Setting Healthy Boundaries: A Lafayette Family Therapist's Guide for Parents and Teens

Boundaries are among the most crucial yet challenging aspects of family life for parents throughout Lafayette, Orinda, Walnut Creek, and the greater East Bay area. They represent the invisible lines that define where one person ends and another begins—emotionally, physically, and psychologically. I help the East Bay families I serve construct and hold boundaries that allow love, respect, and individual growth to flourish while maintaining connection and safety.

Yet despite their importance, many Lafayette and East Bay parents struggle with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries with their children and teens. The reasons for this difficulty run deeper than simple parenting techniques, often rooted in our own childhood experiences, cultural messages, and internal conflicts about love, control, and protection.

As an online family therapist serving Lafayette, CA and surrounding communities, I've observed these challenges across diverse family systems throughout the East Bay region.

Understanding What Boundaries Really Are

Boundaries are not walls that separate us from others, nor are they rules designed to control behavior. Instead, healthy boundaries are flexible guidelines that protect our well-being while allowing for authentic connection and growth. In East Bay families, boundaries serve multiple functions: they provide safety, teach respect, promote individual development, and create predictable structures that help everyone thrive.

For children and teens, boundaries offer something paradoxical yet essential—they provide freedom within structure. When young people know what to expect and understand the limits of acceptable behavior, they can explore, take risks, and develop independence within a safe framework. This security actually enhances kids’ ability to grow and discover who they are.

Parents often start by making boundaries either too rigid (authoritarian) or too loose (permissive). Healthy boundaries exist somewhere between these extremes and vary depending on the child's developmental needs. However, they healthy boundaries always maintain the core principles of safety and respect.

The Deep Roots of Boundary Challenges

Through my 25 years of experience working in children's mental health and teaching parenting skills to families in Lafayette, Walnut Creek, Orinda, and throughout Contra Costa County, I've observed that the greatest challenges in setting boundaries often stem from the parent's own internal landscape rather than external circumstances.

Childhood Experiences and Family Patterns

Many adults struggle with boundaries because they never experienced healthy ones as children. If you grew up in a household where boundaries were either non-existent or rigidly enforced without explanation or flexibility, it would only be natural to find yourself lost between being too permissive and too controlling with your own children.

Some parents experienced boundary violations in childhood—whether through emotional intrusion, physical violations, or having their own boundaries consistently dismissed. These experiences can create internal conflicts about the right to set limits and the fear of causing harm through boundary-setting.

Others grew up as the "parentified child," taking on adult responsibilities and caring for parents' emotional needs. These individuals may struggle to maintain appropriate parent-child boundaries because their internal template confuses caretaking with love.

The Fear of Disconnection

One of the most common underlying fears that prevents effective boundary-setting is the terror of losing connection with our children. Parents often worry that setting limits will damage their relationship, cause their child to withdraw, or result in being seen as the "bad guy."

In my work with with teenagers in Lafayette and surrounding East Bay communities, I have seen how this fear becomes particularly intense when teens push against boundaries in order to establish the independence they are developmentally programmed to seek. When parents misinterpret this normal developmental process as rejection, they can fall prey to abandoning necessary boundaries in an attempt to preserve connection. This inadvertently creates more chaos and disconnection.

Cultural and Societal Messages

Modern parenting culture sends mixed messages about boundaries. Parents are told to be their child's friend while also being the authority figure. They're encouraged to validate all emotions while also teaching appropriate behavior. These contradictory messages can leave parents paralyzed, unsure of how to navigate the complex terrain of boundary-setting.

Social media and parenting influencers often present oversimplified solutions that don't account for individual family dynamics, leaving parents feeling inadequate when these one-size-fits-all approaches don't work for their unique situation.

Internal Family Systems and Boundary-Setting

From an Internal Family Systems perspective, we all carry different "parts" within us that have different agendas and fears. When it comes to boundary-setting, parents might notice competing parts:

• The Protector part that wants to shield the child from all discomfort

• The People-Pleaser part that fears conflict or disapproval

• The Inner Critic part that judges their parenting harshly

• The Wounded Child part that remembers their own painful experiences with boundaries

When unconscious, these internal conflicts can make consistent boundary-setting nearly impossible. When parents develop awareness of these parts, they can learn to lead from their centered, adult Self.

Developmental Considerations in Boundary-Setting

Effective boundary-setting must evolve as children grow and develop. What works for a five-year-old will be completely inappropriate for a fifteen-year-old, yet the underlying principles of respect, safety, and connection remain constant.

Early Childhood (Ages 2-7)

Young children need clear, simple boundaries that are consistently enforced with warmth and connection. At this stage, boundaries are primarily about safety and beginning to learn about social expectations. The focus should be on natural consequences, emotional validation, and helping children understand the impact of their actions.

During this phase, parents often struggle with the intensity of young children's emotions when boundaries are enforced. It's crucial to understand that a child's big feelings about limits don't indicate that the boundary is wrong—rather, it shows that the child is learning to navigate disappointment and develop emotional regulation skills.

Middle Childhood (Ages 8-12)

As children develop more sophisticated reasoning abilities, boundary-setting can involve more explanation and collaboration. This is the time to begin involving children in creating family rules and understanding the reasoning behind boundaries.

Children at this age are developing their sense of fairness and justice, so consistent application of boundaries becomes even more important. They're also beginning to test boundaries more strategically, requiring parents to remain both flexible and firm.

Adolescence (Ages 13-18)

Teenage boundary-setting requires a fundamental shift in approach. Adolescents are developmentally driven to individuate and establish their independence, which means they will naturally push against boundaries as part of healthy development.

During this phase, the goal shifts from compliance to collaboration in maintaining family safety and respect. Boundaries become more about values and natural consequences rather than parental control. Teens need increasing autonomy within clear limits, and parents must learn to tolerate the anxiety that comes with gradually releasing control.

The key is distinguishing between boundaries that are non-negotiable (safety, respect, legal issues) and those that can be flexible as teens practice trial and error, as part of learning responsibility and good judgment.

Common Boundary Challenges and Underlying Dynamics

The Guilt Trap

Many parents struggle with guilt when setting boundaries, particularly if their child becomes upset or accuses them of being unfair. This guilt often stems from misunderstanding the difference between being responsible TO our children versus being responsible FOR their emotions.

Parents are responsible for providing structure, safety, and guidance. They are not responsible for ensuring their children never feel disappointed, frustrated, or angry. In fact, learning to tolerate and work through these difficult emotions is a crucial life skill that boundaries help develop.

Inconsistency and Mixed Messages

Inconsistent boundary enforcement often creates more behavioral problems than having no boundaries at all. When parents sometimes enforce rules and sometimes don't, children learn to escalate their behavior to test which version of their parent they're dealing with today.

This inconsistency usually stems from the parent's internal conflicts about boundaries, emotional exhaustion, or competing demands. Addressing the underlying issues that lead to inconsistency is more effective than simply trying to be more consistent through willpower alone.

The Rescue Dynamic

Some parents have developed a pattern of rescuing their children from natural consequences, believing this demonstrates love and support. However, this actually prevents children from developing resilience, problem-solving skills, and internal motivation.

The rescue dynamic often stems from the parent's anxiety about their child's discomfort rather than what's actually best for the child's development. Learning to tolerate our children's struggles while remaining supportively present is one of the most challenging aspects of healthy boundary-setting.

Practical Strategies for Healthy Boundary-Setting

Start with Self-Awareness

Before attempting to set boundaries with your children, develop awareness of your own relationship with boundaries. Notice your physical sensations, emotional reactions, and internal dialogue when boundary-setting situations arise. This somatic awareness can provide valuable information about your triggers and patterns.

In addition to somatic awareness, ask yourself:

• What did boundaries look like in my family of origin?

• What parts of me get activated when my child pushes against limits?

• What am I afraid will happen if I maintain this boundary?

• What would I do differently if I weren't afraid?

Focus on Connection Before Correction

Boundaries are most effective when they exist within a context of strong connection and trust. Before addressing boundary violations, ensure your child feels seen, heard, and valued. This doesn't mean avoiding consequences, but rather approaching them from a place of care rather than punishment.

Be Clear and Specific

Vague boundaries create confusion and conflict. Instead of "be respectful," specify what respect looks like in your family. Instead of "don't stay out too late," establish clear timeframes that match your teen's demonstrated responsibility level.

Involve Children in Age-Appropriate Boundary Creation

As children develop, involving them in creating family agreements and expectations increases their investment in following them. This collaborative approach helps children understand the reasoning behind boundaries and develops their own internal compass for appropriate behavior.

Differentiate Between Preferences and Boundaries

Not every parental preference needs to be a non-negotiable boundary. Teaching children to distinguish between "I would prefer if you..." and "This is not acceptable because..." helps them understand when flexibility is possible and when it's not.

Practice Emotional Regulation

Children co-regulate with their parents, meaning they often mirror the emotional state of the adults around them. If you're setting boundaries from a place of anger, frustration, or anxiety, your child is more likely to respond defensively.

Taking time to center yourself before addressing boundary issues—even if it means saying, "I need a few minutes to think about this"—models emotional regulation and leads to more effective outcomes.

The Somatic Experience of Boundary-Setting

Boundaries aren't just cognitive concepts—they're felt experiences in the body. When boundaries are violated or unclear, we often experience physical sensations like tension, anxiety, or a sense of being overwhelmed. Learning to attune to these somatic signals can lead to more effective parenting by allowing for more self-aware, intuitive, and effective boundary-setting.

Children also experience boundaries somatically. A child who feels safe and contained within appropriate boundaries often displays relaxed body language, easier breathing, and more regulated behavior. Conversely, children who lack clear boundaries may appear hypervigilant, scattered, or dysregulated.

Teaching children to notice their own body signals when boundaries are crossed helps them develop internal awareness and the ability to advocate for themselves in relationships throughout their lives.

Navigating Boundaries with Extended Family: Parents, In-Laws, and Relatives

While much of boundary-setting focuses on the parent-child relationship, many East Bay families struggle just as much to establish healthy boundaries with extended family members. Grandparents, in-laws, siblings, and other relatives can significantly impact family dynamics, sometimes in ways that undermine parental authority or create confusion for children.

These extended family boundary challenges often intensify around parenting decisions, holiday gatherings, and major life transitions. The complexity increases when dealing with multi-generational patterns, cultural expectations, and the delicate balance of maintaining family relationships while protecting your immediate family's well-being.

Common Extended Family Boundary Challenges

Grandparent Interference Grandparents may have difficulty accepting that they are no longer the primary decision-makers regarding children in the family. They might undermine parenting decisions, offer unsolicited advice, or create different rules when grandchildren visit. This can be particularly challenging when grandparents provide childcare or financial support, creating additional layers of complexity.

In-Law Dynamics In-laws may struggle to recognize their adult child's partner as an equal parent, leading to boundary violations around parenting decisions, holiday traditions, or family priorities. These dynamics often reflect difficulties in accepting their adult child's independence and new primary family unit.

Cultural and Generational Differences Families navigating different cultural expectations or generational approaches to child-rearing face unique boundary challenges. What one generation considers normal parenting might feel intrusive or inappropriate to another, requiring careful navigation of respect for elders while maintaining parental authority.

Sibling and Cousin Relationships Adult siblings may have different parenting styles that create tension during family gatherings. Conflicts can arise around discipline approaches, screen time, dietary restrictions, or values, particularly when cousins spend time together.

The Impact on Children and Family Systems

When boundary issues exist with extended family, children often become triangulated into adult conflicts. They may receive mixed messages about rules, feel caught between loyalties, or learn to manipulate different authority figures to get what they want.

Children benefit from seeing their parents confidently maintain family boundaries while treating extended family with respect. This models healthy relationship skills and teaches children that they can love someone while still maintaining their own values and limits.

From a family systems perspective, extended family boundary issues often reflect unresolved patterns from the parents' own childhood experiences. The way your family of origin handled boundaries, conflict, and autonomy significantly influences how comfortable you feel setting limits with those same family members as an adult.

Strategies for Extended Family Boundaries

Present a United Front Partners must work together to establish and maintain boundaries with both sides of the extended family. Disagreements about extended family boundaries can become sources of marital conflict and give extended family members opportunities to divide and influence.

Communicate Directly and Clearly Instead of hoping family members will intuitively understand your boundaries, communicate them clearly and kindly. For example, "We’d like you to trust our decisions” or “We need you to respect our choices even when they're different from what you would do."

Establish Consequences Like boundaries with children, extended family boundaries need consistent follow-through. If a grandparent repeatedly undermines your parenting, you might need to limit unsupervised visits or leave family gatherings when boundaries are violated.

Focus on Your Values When facing pressure from extended family, return to your core values and what's best for your immediate family's well-being. Extended family opinions, while important to consider, should not override your responsibility to protect and guide your children according to your values and their individual needs.

Address Generational Trauma Patterns Many extended family boundary issues stem from unresolved trauma or dysfunction from previous generations. Working with a therapist can help you identify these patterns and develop strategies for breaking cycles while maintaining important family connections.

Holiday and Special Occasion Boundaries

Family gatherings often intensify boundary challenges, as they bring together multiple generations with different expectations, energy levels, and communication styles. Lafayette area families frequently struggle with managing competing holiday traditions, travel expectations, and gift-giving practices.

Successful holiday boundary-setting involves advance planning, clear communication about expectations, and the willingness to create new traditions that work for your immediate family. This might mean alternating holidays between different family sides, setting time limits on gatherings, or choosing to celebrate separately when family dynamics become too stressful.

When Professional Support Helps with Extended Family Issues

Extended family boundary issues often benefit from professional support when:

• Patterns have been entrenched for many years

• Cultural or religious differences create complex navigation challenges

• Extended family members have personality disorders or addiction issues

• The boundary issues are affecting your marriage or children's well-being

• You feel guilty or anxious about setting necessary limits

• Past trauma or abuse complicates current family relationships

• Divorced or blended family dynamics complicate decisions

In my work with East Bay families, I help parents understand how their family-of-origin experiences influence their current boundary challenges. Using family systems theory and Internal Family Systems approaches, we explore the different parts of you that might feel conflicted about setting limits with parents or in-laws—the loyal child part, the people-pleasing part, the protective parent part, and the angry part that resents ongoing interference.

Modeling Healthy Relationships for Your Children

How you handle extended family boundaries teaches your children valuable lessons about relationships, respect, and self-advocacy. Children who see their parents kindly but firmly maintain boundaries with grandparents and other relatives learn that:

• It's possible to love someone while disagreeing with them

• Respect is mutual and doesn't only flow in one direction based on age or authority

• Healthy relationships require ongoing negotiation and communication

• Family loyalty doesn't mean accepting harmful or disrespectful treatment

These lessons serve children throughout their lives as they navigate friendships, romantic relationships, and eventually their own family dynamics.

Cultural Sensitivity in Boundary-Setting

Many Lafayette families come from cultural backgrounds that emphasize respect for elders, family collectivism, or specific traditions around child-rearing and family roles. Setting boundaries within these cultural contexts requires careful navigation that honors important values while protecting your family's well-being.

This might involve finding ways to show respect for elders while still maintaining parental authority, or creating compromises that acknowledge cultural traditions while adapting them to your current family needs. Professional support can be particularly valuable in navigating these complex cultural dynamics.

When Professional Support Helps with Boundary-Setting

Sometimes East Bay families need additional support in developing healthy boundary patterns, particularly when:

• Family patterns are deeply entrenched and difficult to change

• Parents have significant trauma histories that interfere with boundary-setting

• Children have specific needs or challenges that complicate typical approaches

• Family relationships have become chronically conflictual despite efforts to improve

• Parents notice their own emotional reactions are disproportionate to situations

• Extended family dynamics are creating stress or undermining parental authority

• Cultural or generational differences create complex boundary challenges

In my Lafayette-based online therapy practice, I work with families using a personalized approach that integrates multiple therapeutic modalities. Drawing from family systems theory, narrative therapy, somatic experiencing, and drama therapy combined with Internal Family Systems theory, I help East Bay families understand their unique dynamics and develop approaches that work for their specific situation.

My extensive background in children's mental health and years of teaching parenting skills—including specialized work with divorcing families throughout Contra Costa County—allows me to address both the surface behaviors and underlying dynamics that influence family relationships. Each Lafayette area family's approach to boundary-setting must be tailored to their values, circumstances, and individual needs.

Moving Forward with Compassion and Clarity

Setting healthy boundaries is both an art and a skill that develops over time for families throughout the East Bay. It requires parents to balance firmness with flexibility, clarity with compassion, and structure with connection. Most importantly, it demands that parents do their own internal work to understand their triggers, fears, and patterns.

Remember that boundary-setting is not about controlling your children's behavior—it's about creating the conditions that allow everyone in the family to thrive. When boundaries are implemented with love, consistency, and respect for individual development, they become the foundation for lifelong healthy relationships.

If you're a Lafayette, Walnut Creek, Orinda, or East Bay parent struggling with boundary-setting in your family, know that this is common and that support is available. Every family's situation is unique, and developing effective approaches requires understanding your specific dynamics, challenges, and strengths.

For more information about how my online family therapy services can support your East Bay family in developing healthy boundaries and communication patterns, please reach out to discuss your specific situation and learn about scheduling options for secure online sessions. Together, we can explore the personalized approaches that will work best for your family's unique needs and goals.'

Julie Weigel, LMFT, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with 25 years of experience in children's mental health. She provides online therapy services throughout California, specializing in family therapy, parenting support, and child development. Her approach integrates attachment therapy, family systems theory, drama therapy, and other somatic and experiential approaches to help families create stronger, more connected relationships.

For more information about scheduling and services, please reach out for a consultation.

When Young Children Say They Want to Die

An Embodied Guide to Safety and Connection

As a licensed marriage and family therapist and parenting therapist with 25 years of experience in children's mental health, I've supported countless families through the terrifying moment when their young child first says "I want to die" or "I wish I was dead." In that instant, the ground shifts beneath every parent's feet, and the most natural instincts—to panic, to fix, to reassure—can inadvertently push your child away from the connection and safety they desperately need.

The truth is, when young children talk about death or express wishes to die, they're rarely communicating a genuine understanding of suicide. Instead, they're using the most powerful language they know to express emotional overwhelm that exceeds their developmental capacity to manage. Your response in these critical moments literally shapes their developing nervous system and determines whether they'll continue coming to you when they're struggling.

Through my extensive work with complex childhood mental health cases as a parenting therapist, combined with specialized training in somatic experiencing, family systems theory, and trauma-informed care, I've learned that successful responses to these crisis moments require parents to regulate their own nervous systems first before attempting to help their child. This isn't just good advice—it's neurobiological necessity.

If your child has expressed thoughts about dying, you don't have to navigate this alone. Online therapy sessions provide immediate access to specialized support throughout California. Contact me today for a consultation to develop personalized safety strategies for your family.

Understanding Your Child's Emotional Overwhelm

When young children express death wishes, their developing brains are often experiencing what we call "emotional flooding"—a state where feelings become so intense that their cognitive abilities go offline. Unlike adults, children don't yet have the neural pathways to differentiate between temporary emotional pain and permanent solutions.

Through my training in somatic experiencing and work as a family therapist, I've learned that children's bodies hold these overwhelming emotions as physical sensations before they become conscious thoughts. Your four-year-old saying "I want to die" after a sibling conflict isn't expressing suicidal ideation in the adult sense—they're communicating that their system feels completely overwhelmed and they need help regulating.

However, we must take all expressions seriously while understanding their developmental context. Young children live in the immediate present, and when that present feels unbearable, death can seem like the only escape they can imagine.

Recognizing the Signs of Emotional Overwhelm

Before children verbalize death wishes, their bodies often signal distress through:

Physical manifestations:

• Changes in breathing patterns (shallow, rapid, or holding breath)

• Muscle tension or seeming "frozen"

• Temperature changes (suddenly hot or cold)

• Digestive upset or changes in appetite

• Sleep disturbances or nightmares

Behavioral expressions:

• Increased clinginess or complete withdrawal

• Regression in developmental milestones

• Explosive emotional reactions to minor frustrations

• Difficulty being comforted by usual strategies

• Repetitive play themes involving death or destruction

Understanding these early warning signs helps therapy for parents focus on providing support before children reach the point of expressing death wishes.

Your Nervous System Response: The Foundation of Safety

Here's what many parents don't realize: your own nervous system response to your child's expression of death wishes will determine whether they feel safer or more frightened in that moment. When children say they want to die, they're asking a fundamental question: "Can you handle my biggest, scariest feelings?"

Of course it's important to convey that you CAN handle all their feelings, but your embodied response can get in the way. Your breathing, muscle tension, facial expression, and overall nervous system state communicates more powerfully than any words about whether their emotions are manageable or dangerous.

The Physiology of Parental Panic

When your child expresses death wishes, your nervous system likely activates immediate alarm responses:

Some hyperarousal (fight or flight) reactions you might experience include:

• Heart racing and shallow breathing

• Muscle tension, particularly in chest and shoulders

• Urgent need to ask questions or get more information

• Mental spinning about worst-case scenarios

• Physical impulse to move toward or away from your child

Some hypoarousal (freeze) reactions might include:

• Feeling frozen or unable to respond

• Mental fog or difficulty thinking clearly

• Emotional numbness or disconnection

• Urge to minimize or dismiss what you heard

• Physical sensation of "collapsing" internally

Both responses are normal and protective, but neither creates the regulated presence your child needs to feel safe sharing their emotional world with you. There is hope! By taking the following steps, you can educate yourself, manage your own emotional response, help your child become emotionally regulated, and ensure that your child remains safe regardless of the level of risk.

Step 1: Immediate Nervous System Regulation

Before responding to your child, you must regulate your own system. This isn't selfish—it's essential for providing the co-regulation your child's overwhelmed nervous system requires. Think about the metaphor from airplane safety instructions to put on your own oxygen mask before putting on your child's.

This foundational principle is central to counseling for parents and why therapy for parents often focuses on parental emotional regulation before addressing child behavior.

Embodied Self-Regulation Techniques for Parents

Conscious breathing: Take three slow breaths, making your exhale longer than your inhale. This activates your parasympathetic nervous system and signals safety to your child's system.

Body awareness: Notice physical tension and consciously soften your shoulders, jaw, and facial muscles. Your child's nervous system reads your body language as information about their safety.

Grounding: Feel your feet on the floor, your connection to your chair, or briefly touch a nearby surface. This helps you stay present rather than getting pulled into future fears.

Internal settling: Remind yourself that you don't need to fix this moment immediately—your regulated presence is what your child needs most right now.

The goal isn't to eliminate your fear or concern, but to prevent these natural reactions from overwhelming your capacity to respond effectively.

Managing Your Own Emotional Flooding

Through my training in internal family systems theory and work as a parenting therapist, I help parents recognize different "parts" that get activated during these crisis moments:

• The Terrified Part that imagines worst-case scenarios

• The Fixer Part that needs to solve everything immediately

• The Guilty Part that wonders what you did wrong

• The Angry Part that might feel frustrated with your child's expression

• The Collapsed Part that feels overwhelmed and wants to shut down

Acknowledging these parts without letting them drive your response allows you to access what we call Self—the part that can remain calm, curious, and connected even during your child's darkest moments.

Step 2: Attuned Response and Emotional Validation

Once you've achieved some nervous system regulation, your next priority is providing attuned response that validates your child's emotional experience without escalating their distress.

The Art of Reflective Listening in Crisis

From your regulated state, offer one simple reflection that acknowledges their emotional experience:

• "You're feeling really overwhelmed right now."

• "Something feels too hard for you."

• "You're hurting so much you don't want to feel it anymore."

• "You wish these big feelings would just go away."

  Avoid these common but harmful responses:

• "You don't really mean that” (dismissing)

• "Things aren't that bad” (minimizing)

• "Don't say that—it scares Mommy” (suppressing)

• "You have so much to live for” (convincing)

• "How can you think that?” (criticizing)

These responses, while well-intentioned, communicate that the child’s feelings are wrong or too much for you to handle, which increases their sense of isolation and danger.

Creating Emotional Safety Through Presence

After your initial reflection, practice "embodied waiting." This means:

Maintaining soft attention: Stay present without staring intensely or looking away dismissively

• Breathing calmly: Continue conscious breathing to provide ongoing co-regulation

• Tolerating uncertainty: Resist filling silence with questions, solutions, or reassurances

• Staying grounded: Keep feeling your physical connection to the present moment

Your regulated presence communicates that their biggest feelings are tolerable and that connection is possible even in their darkest moments.

Step 3: Safety Assessment and Planning

While providing emotional attunement, you must simultaneously assess your child's immediate safety and plan appropriate responses.

Understanding Risk in Young Children

Most young children who express death wishes are not in immediate danger of self-harm, but all expressions require careful attention. Through my 25 years of experience as a parenting therapist specializing in childhood mental health crises, I've learned to differentiate between emotional expression and genuine risk.

Lower risk indicators (more common):

Most young children who express death wishes are not in immediate danger of self-harm, but all expressions require careful attention. Through my 25 years of experience as a parenting therapist specializing in childhood mental health crises, I've learned to differentiate between emotional expression and genuine risk.

• Lower risk indicators (more common):

  • Death wishes expressed during emotional overwhelm that resolve with comfort

  • No specific plans or methods mentioned

  • Ability to be comforted and redirected to other activities

  • Death wishes connected to specific frustrations or disappointments

  • Child seems surprised or confused when asked about their statement

  Higher risk indicators (requiring immediate professional consultation):

  • Persistent thoughts about death that don't resolve with comfort

  • Specific plans or methods described

  • Previous self-harm behaviors

  • Giving away treasured possessions

  • Statements like "you'll be better off without me"

  • Inability to be comforted or engaged in other activities

  Trust your instincts as a parent. If you feel genuinely concerned about your child's immediate safety, seek professional guidance immediately.

Creating Immediate Environmental Safety

Regardless of risk level, creating physical safety provides security for both you and your child:

Practical safety measures:

• Remove or secure any potentially harmful items matter-of-factly

• Increase supervision without making it feel punitive

• Cancel non-essential activities to prioritize connection and presence

• Create calm, low-stimulation environment

• Ensure other family members are informed appropriately

Present these changes as caring for the whole family: "I want to make sure everyone feels safe right now, so I'm putting some things away and staying close to you."

Step 4: Professional Support and When to Seek Help

While most young children expressing death wishes don't require hospitalization, it's important to understand when professional evaluation might be helpful and how to frame this possibility positively.

When to Seek Immediate Professional Help

Contact emergency services or take your child to an emergency room if:

• Your child has made an actual attempt to harm themselves

• They have a specific plan and means to carry it out

• You genuinely fear for their immediate physical safety

• They're unable to contract for safety or seem disconnected from reality

However, these situations are relatively rare with young children. More commonly, professional support involves therapy for parents, family therapy, or consultation to develop safety plans and coping strategies.

Benefits of Counseling for Parents During Crisis

Counseling for parents provides essential support for processing your own emotional responses while learning specific techniques for supporting your child. As a parenting therapist, I often work with families where parents need help understanding the difference between their child's emotional expression and genuine risk, while also developing skills for staying regulated during future crises.

Online therapy offers several advantages during family crises:

• Immediate access to professional consultation

• Ability to practice new skills in your home environment

• Flexibility to include family members as appropriate

• Reduced barriers when children are wary of clinical settings

Presenting Hospital Assessment in a Positive Light

If professional evaluation becomes necessary, frame it as "getting expert help" rather than emergency intervention:

"We're going to talk to some doctors who are experts at helping kids with big feelings. They have special training to make sure you're safe and help us figure out the best ways to help you feel better."

"The hospital has people who help families when someone is having really hard feelings. They're going to help us make a plan so you don't have to feel so overwhelmed."

Avoid frightening language like:

• "We have to take you to the hospital because you're dangerous"

• "The doctors need to check if you're crazy"

• "You scared me so much I have to let professionals handle this"

Remember, most children who express death wishes will never need hospitalization. When professional evaluation is recommended, it's typically to ensure comprehensive safety planning and connect families with appropriate counseling for parents and therapeutic support.

Sometimes when a child has been previously hospitalized related to a suicidal threat or attempt, parents have experienced their own trauma related to the separation from the child or stories the child has told about the experience. It is important to develop and maintain a collaborative approach to working with hospital staff and to continue to present their care in a positive light. As previously noted, working with a parenting therapist can help with assessment and guidance around parenting in this situation..

Collaborative Safety Planning

Work with your child to create a safety plan that gives them some control:

• "When you have those scary feelings again, what are three things we can try together?" (convey that you take these ideas seriously and intend to implement them together by writing these ideas down in a child-friendly way for you both to reference)

• "Who are the grown-ups you feel safe talking to about big feelings?"

• "What activities help your body feel calmer when you're upset?"

This collaborative approach builds their sense of agency while ensuring safety measures are in place.

Long-Term Healing: Building Emotional Resilience Through Family Support

Once immediate safety is established, your focus shifts to building your child's long-term capacity for emotional regulation and resilience.

Strengthening Your Child's Window of Tolerance

Through somatic experiencing principles, we know that emotional resilience develops through gradually expanding a child's capacity to tolerate intense feelings without becoming overwhelmed.

Practices for building distress tolerance:

• Teaching simple breathing techniques during calm moments

• Using movement and play to help process emotions

• Creating predictable routines that provide nervous system stability

• Practicing naming emotions in their bodies: "Where do you feel sad? What does anger feel like in your tummy?"

Addressing Underlying Factors

Young children who express death wishes often have underlying factors that need attention:

Environmental stressors:

• Family conflict or instability

• Academic or social pressures

• Trauma or significant losses

• Changes in routine or living situation

Developmental factors:

• Difficulty with emotional regulation

• Sensory processing differences

• Learning challenges

• Social skill deficits

Family system dynamics:

• Parental anxiety or depression

• Inconsistent emotional responses

• Lack of emotional vocabulary or validation

• Generational trauma patterns

• Birth of a new sibling or jealousy

The Role of Family Therapy in Long-Term Healing

Through family therapy approaches, particularly those informed by family systems theory, we can address the relational dynamics that contribute to a child's emotional overwhelm. Every family operates as an interconnected nervous system, and changes in parental responses create ripple effects throughout the entire system.

My approach as a family therapist often involves helping parents understand how their own childhood experiences influence their responses to their child's emotional expressions. When parents can recognize and heal their own emotional patterns, they become more available to provide the consistent co-regulation their child needs.

Integrating Multiple Therapeutic Approaches for Comprehensive Care

My work with families facing these challenges draws from multiple evidence-based modalities, each offering unique perspectives on healing and growth:

Somatic Experiencing and Embodied Healing

Children's bodies hold emotional experiences in ways that require more than just talking. Through movement, breathwork, and sensory experiences, children can process overwhelming emotions that led to death wishes.

Drama therapy techniques can be particularly effective, allowing children to explore difficult feelings through play and creativity rather than direct verbal processing, which can feel too intense or threatening.

Internal Family Systems for Children

Even young children have different "parts" of themselves that carry various emotions and protective strategies. The part that says "I want to die" is often protecting them from feeling overwhelming pain or disappointment. Helping children recognize these different parts reduces the intensity of death wishes by providing alternative ways to understand their inner experience.

Person-Centered and Narrative Approaches

These approaches help children understand that they are separate from their problems and feelings. Person or child-centered therapy honors the wisdom within the child (including the body's wisdom). A child is not "suicidal"—they're a "whole person who sometimes has thoughts about wanting to escape overwhelming feelings."

Through narrative therapy techniques, children can begin to see themselves as the authors of their own stories, with the power to rewrite their story with a different perspective, as well as practicing taking power by fighting back against externalized problems such as "anxiety," "impulses," or "intrusive negative thoughts."

Cognitive Behavioral Approaches for Anxiety Treatment

Many children who express death wishes are struggling with anxiety that makes their world feel constantly threatening. Using CBT principles combined with Exposure and Response Prevention, we can help children gradually build tolerance for uncomfortable feelings and situations. As they build distress tolerance, your child becomes better equipped to face whatever challenges life provides without the unhealthy response of avoidance (sometimes through addictions).

This work often involves helping children understand the connection between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors while developing concrete skills for managing anxiety before it becomes overwhelming.

Supporting the Whole Family System

When a young child expresses death wishes, the entire family system is affected. Parents often experience guilt, fear, and helplessness, while siblings may feel scared or confused. Addressing these family-wide impacts is crucial for sustainable healing.

The Essential Role of Counseling for Parents

Counseling for parents provides essential support for processing your own emotional responses while learning specific techniques for supporting your child. Parents often need help understanding the difference between their child's emotional expression and genuine risk, while also developing skills for staying regulated during future crises and practicing attuned listening.

My approach as a parenting therapist emphasizes helping parents understand their own nervous system responses and family-of-origin patterns that might influence their reactions to their child's emotional distress.

Sibling and Family Considerations

Other children in the family need age-appropriate information and support to understand what's happening with their sibling. They may also need reassurance about their own safety and emotional support for their fears about their brother or sister.

Creating family rituals and practices that support everyone's emotional wellbeing helps prevent future crises while building overall family resilience.

Prevention: Building Emotional Intelligence Early

The most effective approach to childhood emotional crises is prevention through building emotional intelligence and regulation skills before children become overwhelmed.

Creating Emotional Safety in Daily Life

Regular emotional check-ins: "What's one thing that felt good today? What felt hard?"

Emotional vocabulary building (emotional intelligence): Teaching children words for different feeling states

Validation practice: Acknowledging children's emotions using reflective listening, rather than trying to fix or change them

Modeling emotional expression: Sharing your own age-appropriate emotional experiences

Building Connection Through Presence

Young children who feel consistently connected to their parents are less likely to feel the degree of emotional overwhelm that leads to death wishes and comments. This connection happens through small, daily moments of presence and attunement.

Parenting practices for building connection:

• (Parental) device-free time focused entirely on your child

• Following their lead in play without teaching or directing

• Physical affection that respects their autonomy

• Bedtime conversations that invite emotional sharing

Online Therapy: Accessible Support for California Families

Online therapy offers unique advantages for families navigating childhood emotional crises. As a licensed parenting therapist serving Lafayette, CA and families throughout California, I've found that online therapy sessions allow for:

• Immediate access during crisis moments

• Comfortable home environment for sensitive conversations

• Flexible scheduling around family routines

• Easy inclusion of multiple family members when appropriate

• Reduced barriers for children who may be wary of clinical settings

Many California families find that online therapy removes logistical obstacles while providing the same high-quality counseling for parents and family therapy services available in traditional settings.

The Long-Term Vision: Resilience and Growth

Children who receive attuned, regulated responses to their emotional crises often emerge from these experiences with greater emotional intelligence and resilience than their peers. They learn that even their biggest, scariest feelings are tolerable and that connection with others is possible during their darkest moments. They will be ahead of the game!

What Recovery Looks Like

Recovery from expressing death wishes isn't typically linear, especially for young children. Expect ups and downs, and prepare yourself to provide consistent support through this journey. You will have to improvise, but can practice this in parenting therapy. 

Signs of improvement include:

• Increased ability to be comforted during distress

• Growing emotional vocabulary

• Willingness to share feelings before they become overwhelming

• Developing their own coping strategies

• Decreased frequency and intensity of emotional crises

Building Long-Term Emotional Skills

The goal isn't to prevent your child from ever feeling sad, angry, or overwhelmed again. Instead, we're building their capacity to tolerate difficult emotions while maintaining connection to others and hope for the future.

This involves teaching children that emotions are normal, temporary, manageable, and communicative—they tell us something important about our needs or experiences without defining who we are as people.

The goal isn't to prevent your child from ever feeling sad, angry, or overwhelmed again. Instead, we're building their capacity to tolerate difficult emotions while maintaining connection to others and hope for the future.

This involves teaching children that emotions are normal, temporary, manageable, and communicative—they tell us something important about our needs or experiences without defining who we are as people.

Frequently Asked Questions About Children and Death Wishes

Q: When should I contact a parenting therapist if my child talks about dying?

A: Contact a parenting therapist immediately if your child has made any attempt at self-harm, has a specific plan, or if you're genuinely concerned about their safety. For children expressing death wishes during emotional overwhelm without immediate danger signs, professional consultation within 24-48 hours can help you assess the situation and develop appropriate response strategies.

Q: How does online therapy work for family crisis situations?

A: Online therapy allows for immediate access to professional support during crisis moments. Sessions can include safety planning, parent coaching for crisis response, and family therapy sessions that address underlying factors contributing to your child's distress. Many families find the home environment feels safer for these sensitive conversations.

Q: What's the difference between counseling for parents and family therapy?

A: Counseling for parents focuses specifically on helping you develop skills for supporting your child's emotional needs and managing your own responses during difficult moments. Family therapy involves working with the entire family system to address relational patterns and communication dynamics that may contribute to emotional crises.

Q: Do I need a child psychologist or can a family therapist help?

A: A family therapist with specialized training in childhood mental health can effectively address most situations involving children's death wishes. Parenting therapists who understand both individual child development and family systems often provide the most comprehensive support, as they can work with both parent-child relationships and family-wide patterns.

Q: How long does therapy typically take for these situations?

A: The duration varies significantly based on underlying factors and family circumstances. Some families see improvement in crisis response skills within a few therapy for parents sessions, while addressing deeper family patterns through family therapy may take several months. Online therapy offers flexibility to adjust session frequency based on your family's changing needs.

Getting Professional Support as a Parenting Therapist in California

If your child has expressed death wishes, professional support can provide crucial guidance for ensuring safety while building long-term emotional resilience. Every family's situation is unique, requiring personalized approaches that honor your specific circumstances and strengths.

My 25 years of experience with complex childhood mental health cases as a parenting therapist, combined with specialized training in trauma treatment, family therapy, and somatic approaches, allows me to help families navigate these frightening moments while building skills for future emotional challenges.

When to Reach Out for Therapy for Parents

Don't wait for another crisis to seek support. If your child has expressed death wishes even once, professional consultation can help you:

• Develop comprehensive safety plans

• Learn advanced co-regulation techniques

• Address underlying family system patterns

• Build prevention strategies for future emotional crises

• Process your own emotional responses as a parent

Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength and good parenting, not weakness or failure. Your child's expression of death wishes, while terrifying, also represents their trust in you and their desire for connection and relief from emotional pain.

Specialized Support Through Online Therapy

For families navigating these challenging moments, I offer specialized support through individual counseling for parents and family therapy sessions. My approach integrates multiple therapeutic modalities to create personalized treatment that addresses your child's unique needs while supporting your entire family system.

As a parenting therapist serving Lafayette, CA and families throughout California through secure online therapy, I understand the unique stresses facing modern families and provide culturally sensitive, personalized care that honors your family's values and circumstances.

Ready to transform crisis moments into opportunities for deeper family connection and emotional resilience? Contact me today to schedule your free consultation and begin your family's journey toward healing and growth.

Hi! I'm Julie Weigel, and I'm a Licensed Therapist in California who specializes in relationships, family therapy, and child/adolescent therapy. As a parenting therapist with 25 years of experience in children's mental health, I provide counseling for parents and online therapy services throughout California.

Contact me today to schedule your free consultation call and begin exploring how personalized therapy for parents might support your family's unique journey toward greater well-being, emotional resilience, and lasting connection.

The Power of Silence in the Art of Parenting

By Julie Weigel, LMFT - Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist serving California through online therapy sessions

Before I became a therapist, I spent years studying the creative arts. While in art school, I learned about composition (the arrangement of visual elements to guide the viewer’s eye and communicate a message or feeling) and the powerful concept of negative space. This important principle—that empty space is not truly empty but full of meaning and impact—has proven remarkably similar to something I've discovered in my many years of work teaching parents how to be more effective communicators as they guide their children and teens toward adulthood.

Consider a classic example: a simple black circle on a white canvas. The circle draws your attention, but it's the surrounding white space that gives the circle its power, definition, and emotional impact. In Japanese aesthetics, this concept is called "ma"—the purposeful use of emptiness to create beauty and meaning.

"Ma" is far more than just empty space. In the west, we use the phrase "the pregnant pause” to refer to something similar. It represents a brief, deliberate silence that is loaded with unspoken meaning, emotion, or suspense. It is called pregnant because, as with pregnancy, the implied thoughts, emotion, or anticipation are growing toward the “birth” of something important. Though nothing is being outwardly said, the meaningful interval, the silence suggests content. In traditional Japanese gardens, ma is the carefully cultivated emptiness between stones that allows each element to breathe and be fully appreciated. In Japanese theater, ma is the pause between movements that creates dramatic tension and allows the audience to absorb the emotional weight of what they've witnessed. In music, ma is the rest between notes that gives rhythm its power and melody its meaning.

This concept extends beyond aesthetics into psychology and human experience. Art psychologists have found that negative space in visual compositions creates breathing room for the eye and mind, allowing viewers to process and appreciate the main subject more fully. The brain actually uses these empty spaces to organize information, create emphasis, and prevent sensory overload. Without adequate negative space, compositions feel cramped, overwhelming, and difficult to process—much like how children feel when bombarded with constant verbal input from well-meaning parents. Consider another phrase I learned in art school: “Less is more”. 

Art psychologists have found that negative space in visual compositions creates breathing room for the eye and mind, allowing viewers to process and appreciate the main subject more fully.

Without adequate negative space, compositions feel cramped, overwhelming, and difficult to process—much like how children feel when bombarded with constant verbal input from well-meaning parents.

The psychological impact of negative space in art is profound. When artists use space skillfully, they create a sense of calm, focus, and clarity. When space is absent or poorly used, viewers tend to feel anxious, overwhelmed, or unable to focus on what's important. I teach this same principle to parents in my work as a parenting therapist in California. Just as negative space creates powerful compositions in art, silence creates powerful connections in parenting. Yet in our fast-paced, pressured, word-saturated world, we've forgotten that some of our most meaningful communication happens in the spaces between words. When parents reach out for help from a therapist who practices virtual parenting counseling in California, they allow disruption in the usual routine pattern of relating and trust the parenting therapist to guide them toward parenting with more intention. This entails slowing down, being clear about goals, and both learning and practicing parenting with intention. 

The Problem with Parental Overtalking

In my over 25 years of experience as a family therapist in California, I've witnessed countless parents falling into the trap of believing that more words equal better communication or more listening. I see it repeatedly in my online sessions: parents who repeat their child's name multiple times to get attention, who fill every moment with instructions, reminders, and commentary, who seem afraid that silence means disconnection.

"Emma, Emma, EMMA! Are you listening to me? Emma, I asked you to put your shoes on. Emma, we need to leave. EMMA!"

Sound familiar? This repetitive name-calling not only loses its effectiveness quickly but can actually train children to tune out their parents' voices. When we overuse a child's name, it becomes background noise rather than a signal for attention. Research shows that children develop selective hearing not because they can't hear us, but because we've taught them that our first, second, and even third attempts to communicate aren't really urgent.

In my years of providing family and parenting therapy in Lafayette, CA, as well as family therapy throughout California, I've observed that parents who talk too much often see decreased compliance, increased resistance, and growing disconnection from their children. The irony is striking: the more we talk, the less our children listen. Less is more!

Understanding the Neuroscience of Attention

The human brain, whether in a child or adult, can only process so much auditory information at once. When we barrage our children with constant verbal input, we overwhelm their processing capacity. Nonverbal processes are crucial to parent–child communication, yet we often neglect these powerful channels in favor of more words.

Children's brains are constantly scanning for important information while filtering out what seems routine or repetitive. When we repeat their names excessively or fill silence with unnecessary chatter, we're actually training their brains to categorize our voice as background noise rather than important communication.

Think about this: when you're in a crowded restaurant, you can somehow focus on your dinner companion's voice while filtering out dozens of other conversations. This is called the "cocktail party effect," and children develop a similar ability to filter out parental voices that have become predictable or excessive.

The Art of Purposeful Silence

Just as negative space in art isn't empty but full of potential, silence in parenting isn't the absence of communication—it's a different form of presence. When I work with parents in my online therapy practice, I teach them to understand silence as an active choice, not a passive void.

Purposeful silence in parenting involves several key elements:

Presence Without Words: Your physical or energetic presence can communicate volumes. When you give a directive and then remain present without repeating yourself, you're demonstrating confidence in your authority, showing that you “mean business”, and demonstrating respect for your child's processing time.

Space for Processing: Children, like adults, need time to process information and make decisions. When we immediately fill silence with repetition or elaboration, we rob them of the opportunity to internalize and respond to our initial communication. I firmly believe that children want to please us and that we rob them of this opportunity, as well.

Nonverbal Communication: Positive nonverbal communication includes smiles, body language and tone of voice. It can improve relationships with children and guide children's behavior. Your posture, facial expressions, and energy often communicate more clearly than your words. Some of the positive nonverbal communication you convey is “I trust you”, “you are capable of pleasing me/being successful”, and “I love you”. Note that these are some phrases you can say aloud, as well. However choose your timing and attend to the spaces between the words. 

The Power of Proximity and Presence

One of the most effective techniques I teach parents is the use of physical proximity combined with patient silence. Instead of calling across the room, move closer to your child. Instead of raising your voice, lower it. Surprise them with a whisper. Instead of repeating their name, make gentle physical contact or position yourself in their line of sight.

This approach works because it engages multiple sensory channels without overwhelming the child's processing capacity. When you move into their physical space mindfully and wait silently, you're using what researchers call "proxemics"—the use of space and distance in communication.

Children respond to proximity on a primal level. When a parent approaches calmly and waits patiently, the child's nervous system registers this as important information that requires attention. This is far more effective than shouting instructions from another room or repeating a child's name until it loses all meaning.

Gentle Attunement: Reading the Rhythm

In my drama therapy, music, and dance training, I learned about the importance of rhythm and timing in human interaction. Every person has their own internal rhythm for processing and responding, and children are no exception. When we honor this rhythm through attuned silence, we create space for natural cooperation to emerge.

Gentle attunement means paying attention to your child's state of being before communicating. Are they deeply focused on something? Are they transitioning between activities? Are they emotionally activated or calm? Are they in their “window of tolerance”? By pausing to assess their state and then matching your communication style to their current capacity, you increase the likelihood of successful connection.

This might look like:

• Waiting for a natural pause in their activity before speaking

• Making eye contact before giving instructions

• Allowing several seconds of processing time after speaking

• Staying present without repeating yourself immediately

The Negative Reinforcement of Parent’s Patient Presence

Another use for silence stems from a behavioral approach. Consider a parenting scenario involving a teen that wants nothing more than for the parent to leave them alone. For the parent who has experienced giving a directive to their teen, being sent away with “yeah yeah yeah” or “Five more minutes”, then having to return and give the directive again, your silent presence can serve as leverage through what's called negative reinforcement. This doesn't mean punishment—rather, it means that your continued presence creates a slight pressure that is relieved when  your adolescent complies with your request. This approach is one example of a “self-limiting time out”. The negative reinforcer of the parental presence (a variation on a time out) goes away as soon as the task is completed.

When you give an instruction and then remain quietly present, you're communicating several important messages:

• This request is important enough for me to wait for

• I believe in your ability to follow through

• I'm not easily dismissed or distracted

• I respect your processing time while maintaining my expectation

This approach is dramatically different from repeating instructions multiple times, which actually teaches teens that they have several opportunities to ignore you before you really mean what you say.

Building Trust Through Respectful Silence

Children are incredibly sensitive to the emotional undertones of adult communication. When we fill silence with anxious chatter, repeat ourselves out of frustration, or escalate our volume to get attention, we're communicating our own dysregulation rather than calm authority. We teach by example.

Respectful silence, on the other hand, communicates trust in the relationship and confidence in the child's capacity to respond. It says, "I believe you heard me, I believe you're capable of following through, and I'm willing to wait for you to do so.” It also models self-respect.

This approach builds self-efficacy in children. When they experience their parent's patient confidence, they learn to trust their own ability to process information and make appropriate choices. Over time, this creates a positive cycle where children become more responsive because they feel respected and trusted rather than managed and controlled.

Practical Applications of Silent Communication

Morning Routines: Instead of verbal reminders about each step, create visual cues and use proximity. Move near your child, make eye contact, and wait. Your presence serves as a gentle reminder that it's time to focus on the morning routine.

Homework Time: Rather than hovering with verbal encouragement or reminders, provide silent, supportive presence. Your calm energy communicates availability for help while respecting their autonomy.

Bedtime Resistance: Use your physical presence and consistent, quiet energy to communicate that bedtime is non-negotiable. Your silent presence often speaks louder than repeated verbal reminders.

Sibling Conflicts: Sometimes the most powerful intervention is simply moving into the space where conflict is occurring and waiting silently. Your presence often shifts the energy without requiring words. It can be a visual and silent reminder of what you would say if you were speaking.

The Difference Between Productive and Harmful Silence

It's crucial to understand that the silence I'm advocating for is fundamentally different from punitive silence or the "silent treatment." Research from 2020 suggests that silence is a highly productive communication tool on its own. The trick is to use it appropriately.

Productive silence is:

• Respectful and patient

• Combined with warm presence

• Purposeful and time-limited

• Followed by reconnection

Harmful silence is:

• Punitive and cold

• Used to withdraw love or connection

• Indefinite and emotionally distancing

• Used as a power play

The intention behind the silence makes all the difference. When we use silence as a tool for patient presence and respectful communication, we strengthen our relationships. When we use silence as punishment or withdrawal, we damage trust and connection.

Overcoming the Urge to Fill Every Space

Many parents struggle with purposeful silence because they've been conditioned to believe that good parents are constantly engaged, teaching, and guiding through words. In our achievement-oriented culture, we often feel that silence means we're not doing our job.

In my practice of virtual parenting counseling in California, I help parents understand that strategic silence is actually an advanced parenting skill that requires tremendous presence and self-regulation. Parenting with intention. It takes more skill to remain calmly present while your child processes than it does to fill the space with more words. Less is more.

Parents often tell me, "But what if they don't respond? What if they ignore me?" This concern is understandable, but it often stems from a lack of confidence in the parent-child relationship rather than evidence that silence doesn't work. When parents learn to trust the process and give their children adequate processing time, they're often amazed at how responsive their children become.

When parents communicate out of underlying anxiety, their tone and delivery often betray uncertainty, which children instinctively detect and interpret as a lack of confidence in their authority. Anxious parental communication typically manifests through over-explaining, using tentative language, or immediately backing down when met with resistance. This nervous energy signals to children that the parent's directives are negotiable rather than firm expectations, encouraging boundary testing and defiant behavior. Children respond more readily to calm, clear, and concise communication that conveys quiet confidence, as this demonstrates the parent genuinely believes in their own decisions without needing to justify every instruction.

The Role of Emotional Regulation

Your ability to use silence effectively directly correlates with your own emotional regulation. When you're anxious, frustrated, or feeling rushed, you're more likely to fill silence with additional words, repetition, or escalation. When you're grounded, patient, and confident, you can allow for your child's processing time.

This is where my background in DBT, mindfulness, somatic experiencing, and drama therapy becomes particularly relevant. These approaches help parents develop greater awareness of their own nervous system state and learn to maintain calm presence even in challenging moments.

Engaging in parenting therapy in California can help parents learn and master practices that support their ability to remain regulated:

• Breathing techniques that maintain calm presence

• Body awareness that helps recognize rising anxiety

• Grounding practices that support patient waiting

• Mindfulness skills that prevent reactive communication

Creating Connection Through Shared Silence

Some of the most profound moments of connection between parents and children happen in silence. These might be moments of:

• Sitting together watching a sunset

• Walking side by side without feeling the need to talk

• Working on separate activities in the same space

• Sharing a car ride without constant conversation

These experiences of comfortable silence teach children that they don't need to perform or entertain to be worthy of your presence. They learn that your love and attention aren't contingent on constant interaction or achievement.

When Children Test the Silence

Initially, children who are accustomed to repeated instructions or their name being called multiple times might test your newfound use of silence. They might continue their activity longer than usual or seem to ignore your initial instruction. This is normal and expected.

During this adjustment period, it's important to:

• Remain consistent with your new approach

• Stay patient and avoid returning to old patterns

• Trust that your child is learning to take your initial communications seriously

• Use proximity and gentle physical cues if needed

• Follow through calmly if compliance doesn't occur within a reasonable timeframe

Remember, you're not being permissive by using silence—you're being respectful while maintaining clear expectations.

The Long-Term Benefits

Parents who learn to use silence effectively often report remarkable changes in their family dynamics:

Increased Responsiveness: Children learn to pay attention to initial communications rather than waiting for escalation.

Improved Self-Regulation: Children develop better internal awareness when they're given space to process rather than being overwhelmed with verbal input.

Enhanced Respect: The mutual respect demonstrated through patient communication strengthens the parent-child relationship.

Reduced Family Stress: Families experience less shouting, repetition, and conflict when communication becomes more intentional and respectful.

Greater Cooperation: Children become more cooperative when they feel trusted and respected rather than managed and controlled.

Integration with Other Therapeutic Approaches

The principles of purposeful silence integrate beautifully with various therapeutic modalities that I use in my practice. Attachment therapy emphasizes the importance of attuned, responsive presence. Family systems theory recognizes how communication patterns affect the entire family dynamic. Through my creative arts training and drama therapy approach, I've learned that powerful moments often happen in the pauses between words, in the breath before action, in the space where potential lives. These same principles apply to family communication.

Moving Forward: Implementing Silent Presence

If you're ready to explore the power of silence in your parenting, start small:

1. Practice Proximity: Instead of calling from across the room, move closer to your child before speaking.

2. Reduce Name Repetition: Use your child's name once to get their attention, then proceed with your communication.

3. Allow Processing Time: After giving an instruction, count to ten before repeating or elaborating.

4. Stay Present: Resist the urge to walk away immediately after giving an instruction. Your presence reinforces the importance of your communication.

5. Practice Self-Regulation: Work on your own ability to remain calm and patient during these moments of waiting.

6. Reflect on the Acryonym “WAIT”: Why am I talking? (humorous, but important)

The Journey Toward Deeper Connection

Learning to use silence effectively in parenting is both an art and a science. It requires understanding child development, nervous system regulation, and communication theory, but it also requires the artist's sensitivity to timing, space, and presence, as well as self-awareness.

As someone who has spent 25 years working with children and families facing complex challenges, I can tell you that some of the most profound breakthroughs happen not in what we say, but in the “vacuum of silence” between the words. See my related blog on the use of reflective listening for more detailed instructions on how to use attuned listening by making a brief attuned statement, followed by silence as you "wait for it”, thereby allowing a "vacuum of silence" to invite further communication or none.: https://www.julieweigel.com/blog//blog/how-parents-response-shapes-child-emotional-development).

Through my work providing parenting therapy in Lafayette, Orinda, and Walnut Creek, as well as throughout California via online sessions, I've witnessed countless families transform their communication patterns by learning to value silence as much as speech, presence as much as words, and patience as much as action.

Your Personalized Path Forward

Every family's journey with communication is unique. What works for one child may need to be adapted for another. Factors like temperament, developmental stage, past experiences, and family dynamics all influence how silence and presence are received and interpreted.

This is why personalized support through parenting therapy in California can be so valuable. In our work together, we can explore how these principles apply specifically to your family's needs, your child's unique characteristics, and your own communication style.

If you're feeling overwhelmed by constant battles for your child's attention, if you find yourself repeating instructions multiple times, or if you're curious about how silence might strengthen your family's connection, I encourage you to reach out. Through online therapy sessions, we can explore how these concepts might transform your daily interactions and create the peaceful, connected family dynamic you're seeking.

Remember, learning to communicate through purposeful silence isn't about being permissive or passive—it's about being powerfully present in a way that honors both your authority as a parent and your child's capacity for growth and responsiveness. In the space between words, in the pause before reaction, in the breath before speaking—that's where real connection lives.

Julie Weigel, LMFT, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with 25 years of experience in children's mental health. She provides online therapy services throughout California, specializing in family therapy, parenting support, and child development. Her approach integrates attachment therapy, family systems theory, drama therapy, and other somatic and experiential approaches to help families create stronger, more connected relationships.

For more information about scheduling and services, please reach out for a consultation.

Parents: The Power is in Your Hands… Your Response to Their Complaints Shapes Who Your Child/Teen Becomes

As a family therapist with 25 years of experience in children's mental health, I've witnessed countless moments when well-meaning parents inadvertently shut down the very conversations they desperately want to have with their children, the conversations that build trust and bring you closer. Picture this: your teenager comes home upset about something that happened at school, or your child expresses frustration about a friendship conflict. Your natural parental instinct kicks in—you want to fix it, solve it, or help them see it differently. But what happens next often determines whether your child will continue coming to you or learn to keep their struggles to themselves.

Understanding the Window of Tolerance in Family Life

Before we dive into specific communication strategies, it's essential to understand how our nervous systems respond to stress and emotion. The concept of the "window of tolerance" describes that optimal zone where we can think clearly, respond thoughtfully, and maintain emotional regulation even when faced with challenges. When we're operating within our window of tolerance, we can access our problem-solving abilities, maintain connection with others, and navigate difficult situations with resilience. This applies to both parents and children. Before responding, there is a lot to consider. If you are talking to a child who is out of their window of tolerance, you are wasting your breath and may be furthering their withdrawal into disregulation. 

Life inevitably pushes us outside this comfortable zone, triggering one of two protective responses: hyperarousal or hypoarousal. These responses aren't character flaws or behavioral problems—they're our nervous system's intelligent attempts to protect us from perceived threats.

When Children Experience Hyperarousal

Hyperarousal occurs when the nervous system kicks into high gear, activating the fight-or-flight response. In children and teens, this might manifest as:

• Explosive anger or emotional outbursts

• Arguing defensively or becoming combative

• Difficulty sitting still or concentrating during conversations

• Physical agitation or restlessness

• Feeling like everything is an emergency or crisis

• Risk-taking behaviors or impulsive decisions

When your child is in hyperarousal, their brain's alarm system is activated, making it nearly impossible for them to access rational thinking or problem-solving capabilities. This is when they need co-regulation from you—your calm, regulated presence to help their nervous system return to safety.

When Children Experience Hypoarousal

On the opposite end, hypoarousal represents the nervous system's shutdown response. This freeze or collapse state can be just as challenging for families, though it's often misinterpreted as defiance, laziness, or indifference. In children and teens, hypoarousal might look like:

• Social withdrawal or emotional numbness

• Lack of motivation for activities they usually enjoy

• Difficulty expressing thoughts or feelings

• Appearing "checked out" during conversation (eyes “glazed over”)

• Sleeping too much or difficulty getting out of bed

• Seeming compliant but emotionally absent

Understanding that both hyperarousal and hypoarousal are PROTECTIVE responses helps us respond with compassion rather than frustration. Your child isn't trying to be difficult—their nervous system is doing exactly what it was designed to do when it perceives threat or overwhelm (Note any parental tendency toward justification or defensiveness here).

The Critical Importance of Your Response

Here's what many parents don't realize: your response to your child's emotional expressions literally shapes their developing nervous system and their future capacity for emotional regulation. When children share their feelings, complaints, or concerns, they're essentially asking, "Is this emotion tolerable? Can I trust you with my inner world?

Your response sends powerful messages about emotional safety, trust, and their own worth. This is where the concept of distress tolerance becomes crucial—not just for your child, but for you as the parent.

Distress Tolerance: The Foundation of Emotional Resilience

Distress tolerance is the ability to survive crisis situations without making them worse through impulsive actions. It's the capacity to tolerate emotional discomfort without immediately trying to escape, avoid, or fix it. For parents, developing distress tolerance means learning to sit with your child's difficult emotions without rushing to make them feel better. This skill develops through gradual exposure to distress in a supportive environment.

In order to create this supportive environment, you must learn to sit with your own difficult emotional response to their emotions. There is a ripple effect here that is possible to learn to simply witness. Without action. When you can tolerate your own discomfort while your child processes their emotions, you're modeling this crucial life skill. More importantly, you're helping them build their own capacity to tolerate difficult feelings without resorting to avoidance behaviors.

The implications of this extend far beyond childhood. Poor distress tolerance contributes to various forms of addiction—to substances like drugs and alcohol, but also to behaviors like excessive gaming, pornography, compulsive spending, overeating, or even workaholism. When we haven't learned to tolerate emotional discomfort, we seek ways to escape or numb those feelings.

Your child is constantly looking to your lead to determine whether their emotions are tolerable. If you can remain calm and present with their distress, you're communicating that feelings are manageable and temporary. If you rush to fix, minimize, or change their emotional experience, you inadvertently communicate fear or worry, thereby sending the message that their feelings are too much—for you and potentially for them.

The Roadblocks to Communication: What Not to Do

Through my years of teaching parenting skills in various settings, including specialized work with divorcing families, I've identified common communication patterns that shut down emotional connection. These roadblocks include:

• Apologizing ("I'm sorry you feel that way")

• Fixing ("Here's what you should do")

• Suggesting ("Why don't you try...")

• Guiding ("You need to understand...")

• Correcting ("That's not really what happened")

• Minimizing ("It's not that big of a deal")

• Questioning ("Why did you do that?")

• Rescuing ("I'll call the school for you")

• Blaming ("Well, you shouldn't have...")

• Criticizing ("You're being too sensitive")

• Justifying ("They probably didn't mean it")

• Explaining ("Let me tell you why...")

• Teaching ("This is a good lesson about...")

• Arguing ("That's not how it happened")

• Convincing ("You should see it this way")

• Reassuring ("Everything will be fine")

• Advising ("You should just ignore them")

• Normalizing ("Everyone goes through this")

While these responses come from a place of love and caring, they inadvertently communicate to your child that their emotional experience needs to be changed, fixed, or understood differently. This creates disconnection rather than the connection you're seeking.

The Power of Reflective Listening: A Step-by-Step Approach

Instead of falling into these communication roadblocks, I teach parents a different approach that honors their child's emotional experience while building crucial life skills. This process requires mindfulness—the ability to notice your own emotional responses and impulses before acting on them.

Step 1: Notice Your Own Emotion

When your child shares something difficult, the first step is to recognize what's happening in your own body and emotional system. What are you feeling? Not thinking. It can take time or coaching to learn to discern between thoughts and feelings:

• Anxiety about their pain?

• Frustration with the situation?

• Anger at whoever hurt them?

• Overwhelm at not knowing how to help?

• Fear about their future?

This emotional awareness—knowing your feelings by name rather than just experiencing them as thoughts or physical sensations—is the foundation of emotional intelligence. It's also essential for breaking the cycle of reactive parenting.

Step 2: Notice Your Impulse

Once you've identified your emotion, notice what impulse arises. Do you feel the urge to:

• Jump in with solutions?

• Minimize their concern to make yourself feel better?

• Ask a bunch of questions to gather more information?

• Launch into teaching mode?

• Reassure them that everything will be okay?

These impulses are normal and understandable. The key is recognizing them without immediately acting on them. (Pro tip: print out the list of roadblocks to communication, so you will have that to reference until this becomes second nature).

Step 3: Use Reflective Listening Instead

After noticing your emotion and impulse, deliberately choose a different response. Offer one brief reflective statement that typically begins with "You..." Examples include:

• "You felt really hurt when she said that."

• "You wanted him to include you."

• "You needed more time to finish."

• "You prefer when things are predictable."

• "You wished the teacher had noticed."

Keep it to one brief sentence and avoid starting with "So you..." which can sound patronizing. Go straight to "You..." and resist the urge to add questions or additional commentary (again notice your feelings and impulses…mindfulness)

The more difficult complaints to respond to include those aimed at you. These may call for responses such as: 

• “You needed me to be there for you and I wasn’t"

• "You hate it when I do that."

Step 4: Wait for It

After your reflective statement, stop talking (zip). This vacuum of silence invites further communication (or not….trust your child’s needs and timing. Walking away is a valid option, too) while demonstrating your faith in your child's ability to process their own experience. You're also modeling distress tolerance—showing that you can sit with the discomfort of not knowing what comes next and that you can wait for the next conversation, if that is what they need.

The "it" you're waiting for might be:

• Further elaboration on their experience

• Silent reflection as they process internally

• A shift in their emotional state

• Your child walking away, having learned they can trust you not to overwhelm them with roadblocks

Why This Approach Works: The Science Behind Connection

This reflective listening approach accomplishes several crucial things simultaneously:

Provides Attunement: You're demonstrating that you're paying attention to their internal experience, which helps them feel seen and understood. You are demonstrating “I understand” without saying it (which could be debated, debatable.)

Offers Validation: By reflecting their emotions without trying to change them, you communicate that their feelings make sense and are acceptable. While you may not agree, you are conveying (without saying it) that that is a valid thing to think or feel in their experience. 

Develops Intrinsic Problem-Solving Skills: Intrinsic motivation refers to behavior driven by internal satisfaction rather than external rewards or pressures. When you resist the urge to provide solutions, you allow your child to access their own problem-solving capabilities, building confidence in their ability to handle challenges. Note here that their first attempts may demonstrate poor judgment and may even worry you. As long as they are in your company, practicing problem solving, they are not acting on any of their first impulses. You can afford to follow their immature or questionable thought process as they think it through in your company. 

Models Emotional Regulation: Your calm presence in the face of their distress teaches them that emotions are manageable and temporary.

Builds Trust: Your child learns that you can handle their emotional world without trying to change or fix it, making them more likely to continue sharing with you.

The Challenge: Simple in Theory, Difficult in Practice

This approach sounds straightforward, but it requires significant skill development. Recognizing your emotions by name, noticing your impulses, and choosing reflective responses instead—all while your child is in distress—demands practice and often professional support.

Many parents find that working with a therapist helps them develop these skills more effectively. Through personalized guidance, you can learn to identify your specific emotional patterns and communication habits while practicing new responses in a supportive environment.

The Art of Following Your Child's Lead

Think of this process like being a detective—specifically, like Columbo, the famous TV detective who solved cases through patient observation and gentle questioning. You're following your child around in their mind, trying to understand their perspective without rushing to judgment or solutions.

This means accepting their pace, even when it seems immature, illogical, or frustrating. Fight the impulse to teach or correct. Your goal is understanding, not education. You can address factual inaccuracies or behavioral concerns later, after you've established emotional connection.

Don't worry about getting it "right" every time. Reflective listening is like trying to hit a moving target—your child's emotional state is constantly shifting, and your reflections won't always land perfectly. The effort itself communicates care and creates connection.

Building Momentum: The Skipping Stones Effect

Once you master single reflective responses, the challenge becomes creating a series of them—like skipping stones across water. Each reflection creates ripples that invite deeper sharing. This sustained attunement is where real healing and connection happen.

For example: Child: "Nobody likes me at school." Parent: "You feel really alone there." Child: "Yeah, and when I try to join conversations, they just ignore me." Parent: "You want to be included." Child: "It's like I'm invisible. Even the teacher doesn't notice when kids are mean to me." Parent: "You need someone to see what's happening."

Notice how each reflection opens space for deeper sharing without the parent trying to solve, question, or teach.

Integrating Additional Approaches: The Nurtured Heart and Plan B

My approach often incorporates elements from other evidence-based parenting methods, personalized to each family's needs. The Nurtured Heart Approach emphasizes recognizing and celebrating moments when children are making good choices—what we call "Kodak moments." These brief acknowledgments of positive behavior build internal motivation and self-worth.

Plan B problem-solving, developed by Dr. Ross Greene in "The Explosive Child," provides a collaborative approach to addressing persistent behavioral challenges. This method involves empathy (understanding your child's concern), defining the problem (sharing your concern), and invitation (solving the problem together).

These approaches complement reflective listening by providing frameworks for addressing behavioral issues while maintaining emotional connection.

The Embodied Approach: Integrating Mind and Body

My training in somatic experiencing, drama therapy, and other embodied modalities brings an additional dimension to this work. Emotional regulation isn't just a mental process—it's a whole-body experience. Through personalized approaches that might include movement, breathwork, or creative expression, families learn to recognize their nervous system patterns and develop practical skills for staying within their window of tolerance.

This embodied perspective recognizes that our posture, breathing, and physical presence affect our emotional state and our children's sense of safety. When you can maintain a regulated nervous system while your child processes difficult emotions, you're providing the co-regulation they need to develop their own capacity for emotional resilience.

Family Systems: Understanding the Bigger Picture

Every family operates as a system where each person's emotional state affects everyone else. Through family systems theory, I help parents understand how their responses to one child's emotions ripple throughout the entire family dynamic. When you change your communication patterns with one child, it often creates positive shifts in your relationships with all your children and even your partner. Advanced use of reflective listening might involve responding to two children at the same time, as you attune to each side of a conflict. It might also involve responding to your partner or coparent/ex-partner (for the very advanced practitioner). 

This systems perspective also helps us understand how generational patterns get passed down. The communication patterns you learned in your own childhood likely influence how you respond to your children today. By developing awareness and new skills, you can break cycles that may have persisted for generations.

Internal Family Systems: Working with Your Own Parts

My specialized training in Internal Family Systems (IFS) theory adds another layer to this work. We all have different "parts" of ourselves—aspects of our personality that carry various emotions, memories, and protective strategies. When your child is upset, you might notice different parts of yourself getting activated:

• The Fixer part that needs to solve everything

• The Anxious part that worries about their future

• The Critical part that judges their reaction

• The Protective part that wants to shield them from pain

Learning to recognize and work with these parts helps you access your core Self—the part that can remain calm, curious, and connected even during your child's emotional storms.

Working with Anxiety and Avoidance

Many families I work with struggle with anxiety, which often manifests as chronic hyperarousal that narrows everyone's window of tolerance. Using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) combined with Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), I help families understand how avoidance actually increases anxiety over time. This approach also involves increasing distress tolerance through gradual exposure to distress. 

When you can tolerate your child's distress without rushing to fix it, you're helping them build the distress tolerance that prevents anxiety from controlling their lives. This work is particularly important because anxiety often leads to avoidance behaviors that can contribute to various forms of addiction and limit life opportunities.

The Long-Term Vision: Working Yourself Out of a Job

The ultimate goal of this approach is to help your child develop intrinsic problem-solving skills and emotional resilience. Rather than learning to depend on you for solutions or getting sidetracked by engaging in conflict over refuting your advice, they develop confidence in their own ability to navigate challenges.

This doesn't mean you become passive or uninvolved. Or rejected. Instead, you become a skilled supporter who can provide emotional safety while your child develops their own capabilities. You're literally working yourself out of the job of being their emotional manager and into the role of being their secure base—someone they can return to for connection and support while maintaining their autonomy. This is a whole different kind of connection and relationship that can continue forever. 

The Ripple Effects: Beyond Individual Families

When families learn these skills, the benefits extend far beyond their immediate relationships. Children who grow up with this kind of emotional attunement and support become adults who can:

• Maintain healthy relationships

• Navigate workplace challenges with resilience

• Raise their own children with emotional intelligence

• Contribute to their communities from a place of internal stability

They're less likely to struggle with addiction, anxiety disorders, or relationship conflicts because they've developed the internal strength and self-reliance to handle life's inevitable challenges.

Starting Your Journey: Personalized Support for Your Family

Every family's journey with these concepts looks different. Some families might need intensive focus on individual nervous system regulation before working on communication patterns. Others might find that improving communication naturally supports everyone's emotional development. Some parents benefit most from exploring their own childhood experiences and how they influence current parenting patterns.

My 25 years of experience with complex childhood mental health cases, combined with specialized training in family therapy, child development, drama therapy, and addiction treatment, allows me to create personalized approaches that honor each family's unique strengths and challenges.

The beauty of conducting sessions online is that families can practice these new skills in their natural environment while receiving professional guidance. This makes the transition from therapy sessions to daily life much more seamless. It might even save you some gas or a sitter. My evening availability allows you to fit sessions in between dinner and bedtime or after the kids are asleep. 

Taking the First Step

If you recognize your family in these descriptions—if you're tired of conversations that end in disconnection (or worse…conflict)  rather than understanding—know that change is possible. Learning to respond differently to your child's emotional expressions is one of the most powerful gifts you can give them and yourself.

This work requires patience, practice, and often professional support. The patterns we want to change have been developing for years, and transformation takes time. But even small shifts in how you respond to your child's emotions can create significant improvements in your relationship and their emotional development.

Remember, you don't have to get it perfect. You just have to be willing to try something different. Your child is waiting to see if their emotions are tolerable, if they can be vulnerable and awkward in your presence, if you can be trusted with their inner world, if you can be accountable for missteps, and if they can develop confidence in their own problem-solving abilities. Your response shapes not just this moment, but their capacity for emotional resilience throughout their lifetime.

For families ready to break these cycles and create deeper connection, I invite you to reach out for a consultation. Together, we can explore how these principles apply to your specific situation and develop personalized strategies that honor your family's unique needs while building the emotional skills that will serve you for generations to come.

Hi! I’m Julie and I’m a Licensed Therapist in California who specializes in relationships, family therapy, and child/adolescent therapy. 

Call today to schedule your free consultation!

925-289-8411

How Therapy Can Help Children and Families Navigate Change

Change is an inevitable part of life, yet it remains one of the most challenging experiences for children and families to navigate successfully. Whether facing divorce, relocation, job transitions, new family members, or unexpected life events, families often find themselves struggling to maintain stability while adapting to new circumstances. Through my 25 years of experience working with children's mental health and teaching parenting skills, I've experienced how therapeutic support can transform overwhelming transitions into opportunities for growth and resilience.

Understanding How Change Affects Children and Teens Differently

Children and teens experience and process change very differently than adults. Their developing brains are still learning how to make sense of the world, and major transitions can be particularly destabilizing, as they lack the emotional vocabulary and coping skills to understand what's happening around them.

Young children often express their distress about change through behavioral change, rather than words. They might become more clingy, be developed in reaching developmental milestones, experience sleep disturbances, or show increased irritability. School-age children may struggle with concentration, fail to perform as usual in academics, or develop physical complaints like headaches or stomachaches. Adolescents might withdraw from family relationships, engage in risk-taking behaviors, or experience mood swings that seem disproportionate to the situation.

What makes change particularly challenging for children is their limited sense of control over their circumstances. Unlike adults who can often influence or prepare for transitions, children are frequently passive recipients of changes decided by others. This lack of agency can create feelings of helplessness and anxiety that persist long after the initial change has occurred.

My extensive work with complex and challenging cases has taught me that children's responses to change are highly individual. Some children are naturally more adaptable and resilient, while others require additional support to develop these skills. The key is recognizing that there's no universal timeline for adjustment and that each child's needs must be understood within their unique developmental context.

The Ripple Effect of Family Transitions

Family changes rarely affect just one person. When one family member is struggling with a transition, it often creates a ripple effect that impacts everyone's emotional well-being and family dynamics. Parents may become overwhelmed trying to manage their own adjustment while supporting their children through the same change.

This is where my training in family systems theory becomes particularly valuable. Family systems theory recognizes that families are interconnected and that changes to one part of the system inevitably affect all the other parts. Rather than focusing solely on individual symptoms or behaviors, this approach involves helping families understand how one’s responses to change influences another and how families can interact in healthier ways.

For example, when parents are going through a divorce, children often pick up on parental stress and conflict even when adults try to shield them from these difficulties. Children may begin acting out or developing anxiety symptoms not just because of the divorce itself, but because of the overall family tension and uncertainty they're sensing. Addressing these dynamics at the family level often proves more effective than working with individual family members in isolation.

Supporting Children Through Divorce and Separation

Divorce represents one of the most significant transitions many families face, and my specialized training in parenting for divorcing families has shown me how crucial proper support can be during this process. Children of divorce face unique challenges that require specific understanding and intervention strategies.

During divorce proceedings, children often experience conflicting loyalties, fear of abandonment, confusion about family structure, and uncertainty about their future living arrangements. They may blame themselves for their parents' separation or worry about having to choose sides between parents they love equally.

My approach to supporting children through divorce focuses on helping them understand that the divorce is an adult decision that has nothing to do with their behavior or worth. Through age-appropriate conversations and the use of creative therapeutic techniques, children can learn to express their feelings in a neutral environment while developing coping strategies for managing the ongoing changes in their family structure.

Parents going through divorce also need support in learning how to co-parent effectively while managing their own emotional responses to the separation. I work with parents to develop communication strategies that prioritize their children's emotional needs while establishing healthy boundaries that support everyone's adjustment process.

The Role of Drama Therapy in Supporting Children

My training in drama therapy provides unique tools for helping children express and process difficult emotions related to change. Traditional talk therapy can be challenging for children who lack the verbal skills to articulate complex feelings. Creative arts therapies can bypass the conscious mind that might otherwise inhibit the expression of feelings. Play, storytelling, humor, metaphor, and imaginative exploration harnesses spontaneity and transcends routine in order to allow greater healing.

Drama therapy techniques sometimes involve the use of toys, objects, or puppets to act out family scenarios, creating stories about characters facing similar challenges, or using role-playing to practice new coping skills. These approaches are natural and engaging to children, providing powerful opportunities for emotional processing and skill development.

Through creative expression, children can explore different perspectives on their situation, practice new responses to challenging circumstances, and develop a sense of mastery over their experiences. Rather than feeling powerless in the face of change, they begin to see themselves as capable of adapting and finding creative solutions to problems.

Building Resilience Through Somatic Approaches

As with adults, children’s bodies can hold stress and trauma from difficult transitions in ways that can only be released through the body. As such, purely cognitive approaches can be inadequate. My emphasis on embodied and somatic approaches recognizes that helping children develop a healthy relationship with their physical sensations, breath, impulses, and feelings is crucial for emotional regulation, as well as long-term resilience.

Somatic techniques for children might involve simple breathing exercises, movement activities that help discharge nervous energy, or mindfulness practices adapted for their developmental level. These approaches help children recover from stress, develop emotional intelligence, develop and practice healthy communication skills, and develop self-regulation skills that will serve them throughout their lives.

When children learn to tune into their bodies and understand the connection between physical sensations and emotions, they develop greater self-awareness, that can evolve into self-advocacy through assertive communication. This embodied awareness becomes particularly valuable during transitions when stress levels are elevated and usual coping strategies might feel inadequate.

Helping Families Develop Communication Skills

Effective communication becomes even more crucial during times of change, yet those times are often when families struggle the most to communicate clearly and respectfully. Stress and uncertainty can cause family members to fall into established and reactive patterns that can escalate conflict, rather than promote understanding and connection.

My work with families focuses on developing communication skills that involve self-care, as well as respect and mutual understanding. This includes teaching active listening techniques, helping family members express needs and concerns constructively, and establishing family meetings or check-ins between sessions that provide regular opportunities for open dialogue.

Children particularly benefit from learning that their thoughts and feelings are valued and that they have a voice in family discussions, even when they can't control major decisions. When children feel heard and understood, they're more likely to cooperate with necessary changes and less likely to act out their distress through behavioral problems.

Creating Stability Within Change

One of the most important therapeutic goals when working with families in transition is helping them create stability and predictability wherever possible. While some aspects of their lives may be changing dramatically, identifying areas where routines and consistency can be maintained provides an important anchor during turbulent times.

This might involve maintaining bedtime routines, continuing favorite family traditions, or ensuring that children can stay connected with important relationships like extended family or close friends. Sometimes creating new traditions or routines specifically designed for the changed family structure helps everyone adjust while building positive associations with their evolving family.

My approach emphasizes building on existing child and family strengths and resources, rather than rooting out problems or deficits. Every family has developed ways of coping and connecting that have served them well, and therapeutic work often involves identifying these strengths in the interest of furthering and adapting them to meet current challenges.

The Importance of Timing in Family Therapy

Working with families during transitions requires careful attention to timing and pacing. Families in crisis often want immediate solutions, but lasting change typically requires practice and time for adjustment and integration. My experience has taught me the importance of moving at a pace that honors the family's readiness for change while providing adequate support during the adjustment process.

Sometimes families need time to stabilize before they're ready to engage in deeper therapeutic work. Other times, early intervention can prevent problems from becoming more entrenched. My assessment process helps determine what type and intensity of support would be most helpful for each family's unique situation.

Supporting Parents in Their Leadership Role

Parents facing major life transitions often feel overwhelmed, distracted, and uncertain about how to support their children effectively. They may question their parenting decisions or worry that they're not handling the situation well enough to protect their children from emotional harm.

My years of teaching parenting skills in various settings have shown me that parents benefit tremendously from understanding child development principles and learning concrete strategies for supporting their children through difficult times. When parents feel more confident and equipped, their children typically respond with improved behavior and emotional regulation.

This doesn't mean expecting parents to become perfect or to shield their children from all distress. Rather, it involves helping parents understand their crucial role in providing emotional safety and stability and model recognition that difficulty during transitions is normal, and even beneficial, toward the goals of learning, gaining strength and building resilience.

Integrating Multiple Therapeutic Approaches

My training in various therapeutic modalities allows me to create individualized treatment approaches that meet each individual’s or family's specific needs and preferences. Some families respond well to structured cognitive-behavioral approaches that provide clear strategies and homework assignments. Others benefit more from a drama therapist’s use of narrative therapy techniques to engage clients more playfully in defeating obstacles and “rewriting" the story they tell of the changes they're experiencing.

Identifying and working with parts of the self, as in internal family systems theory, is a valuable means of building a wise inner authority in the client and addressing how parts of the self can sabotage a person’s functioning when unrecognized or in conflict. Drama therapists are particularly skilled at accessing these different parts of the self and facilitating their dialogue, in order to improve self-awareness and self acceptance as the parts become more collaborative and integrated.

The Long-Term Benefits of Professional Support

Families who receive therapeutic support during major transitions often develop skills and insights that benefit them long after the initial change has taken place. Children learn by their parents’ receptivity to therapy that they can cope with difficult situations and that seeking help is a sign of strength rather than weakness. Parents develop greater confidence in their ability to guide their families through challenges.

Perhaps most importantly, families often emerge from therapeutic work with stronger relationships and improved communication patterns. The process of navigating change together, with professional guidance, can actually strengthen family bonds and create greater resilience for future challenges.

Working Within Your Family's Values and Culture

Every family has unique values, cultural background, and beliefs that influence how they experience and respond to change. My approach to family therapy honors these differences and works within your family's existing framework rather than imposing external expectations or solutions.

This cultural sensitivity is particularly important when working with families from diverse backgrounds who may have different perspectives on seeking professional help, discussing family problems, or expressing emotions. I take time to understand your family's values and preferences to ensure that our work together feels respectful and relevant to your actual circumstances.

What to Expect When Working Together

If your family is facing a significant transition and you're considering therapeutic support, you might wonder what this process would look like. Our work together begins with understanding your family's specific situation, the changes you're navigating, and what type of support would be most helpful.

Family therapy sessions may involve everyone who is significantly affected by the transition, though sometimes individual sessions with children or parents can be beneficial as well. The frequency and duration of our work depends on your family's needs and the complexity of the changes you're managing. Sometimes parents have interparental conflict to resolve, or could use some help developing a more unified parenting approach, before involving the children would be appropriate

Throughout our work together, I pay attention to what's working well for your family and to where there are wounds or conflict. The goal is always to build on your existing strengths while providing new tools and perspectives that can help you navigate current and future transitions more effectively.

Moving Forward with Confidence

Change will always be part of life, but sometimes involving a professional feels supportive. With the right support and guidance, periods of change can become opportunities for growth, increased resilience, and stronger family relationships.

My 25 years of experience working with children's mental health and supporting families through complex challenges has shown me repeatedly that families have tremendous capacity for adaptation and healing when they receive appropriate support. Whether you're facing divorce, relocation, loss, or other major life changes, therapeutic support can help your family not just survive these transitions but emerge stronger and more connected.

Working with a solo practitioner means that your family's therapeutic journey isn't constrained by insurance limitations on session frequency or approved treatment approaches. This freedom allows us to focus entirely on what your family needs to navigate change successfully, without external pressures to rush the process or limit our therapeutic options.

If your family is currently facing significant changes and you're wondering whether therapeutic support might be helpful, I encourage you to reach out for a consultation call. We can discuss your family's specific situation and explore whether my approach to supporting children and families through transitions feels like a good fit for your needs.

Every family's journey through change is unique, and you deserve support that honors your individual circumstances while providing the guidance and tools needed for successful adaptation. Contact me today to learn more about how therapy can help your family navigate change with greater confidence and resilience.

Hi! I’m Julie Weigel, and I’m a Licensed Therapist in California who specializes in relationships, family therapy, and child/adolescent therapy.

Contact me today to schedule your free consultation call and begin exploring how personalized therapy might support your unique journey toward greater well-being and personal growth.

Why Personalized Therapy Matters More Than Ever

In today's fast-paced world, the mental health landscape has become increasingly complex. While there's greater awareness about therapy and its benefits, many people still struggle to find the right therapeutic approach that truly resonates with their unique needs and circumstances. This is where personalized therapy becomes not just beneficial, but essential for lasting change and emotional growth.

Understanding What Personalized Therapy Really Means

Personalized therapy goes far beyond simply choosing between different types of counseling. It's about creating a completely individualized treatment experience that honors your specific history, current challenges, learning style, and personal goals. Rather than applying a standardized approach, personalized therapy recognizes that each person brings their own unique combination of experiences, strengths, and areas for growth.

In my practice, I've witnessed firsthand how transformative it can be when therapy is tailored specifically to each individual. Over my 25 years of experience working with diverse and complex cases, I've learned that what works beautifully for one person may not resonate at all with another. This understanding forms the foundation of my integrative approach to mental health care.

The Limitations of Generic Therapeutic Approaches

Many traditional therapy models follow a predetermined structure or protocol. Sometimes these approaches are dictated by a company that oversees the therapist and dictates which therapy models are to be used and for how long. While these approaches certainly have their place and can be effective, they often fall short when it comes to addressing the nuanced and multifaceted nature of human experience. Cookie-cutter solutions simply cannot account for the intricate web of factors that influence each person's mental health journey.

Consider how different people process emotions and information. Some individuals are highly visual learners who benefit from creative and expressive techniques, while others respond better to cognitive approaches that help them understand thought patterns. Some people need to address trauma stored in the body through somatic approaches, while others find narrative therapy, and altering the way we tell the story of our lives, appealing.

The reality is that mental health challenges rarely exist in isolation. They're often interconnected with family dynamics, past experiences, cultural background, current life circumstances, and individual personality traits. A truly effective therapeutic approach must be flexible enough to address this complexity while remaining focused on your specific goals and needs. In addition to the flexibility required to determine approach(es), it is essential to have a therapist who not only knows how each approach works individually, but has the expertise, to know when to choose one over the other.

How I Create Truly Customized Treatment Plans

My approach to personalized therapy begins before we even have our first full session together. During the initial free consultation call, I'm already beginning to understand your unique situation and what might work best for you. This brief conversation helps us both determine if my approach feels like a good fit for your specific needs.

Once we decide to work together, the personalization process deepens significantly. During our first 50-minute session via secure video platform, I spend time truly understanding not just what you're experiencing, but how you experience it. This includes exploring your current concerns, mental health history, and goals, but it goes much deeper than that.

I pay attention to how you communicate, what seems to resonate with you, and what your natural strengths and preferences might be. Do you seem to connect more with cognitive understanding or emotional processing? Are you someone who benefits from structure and clear action steps, or do you thrive with more exploratory and open-ended approaches? How do you relate to your body and physical sensations? What role do relationships and family dynamics play in your current situation?

Based on these observations and our discussions, I draw from my extensive training in multiple therapeutic modalities to create an approach that's specifically designed for you. This might involve integrating elements from family systems theory, narrative therapy, somatic experiencing, drama therapy, internal family systems theory, person-centered therapy, and cognitive therapy/exposure and response prevention for anxiety treatment.

The Power of Integrative Mental Health Care

One of the significant advantages of working with a solo practitioner who specializes in integrative approaches is the ability to seamlessly blend different therapeutic modalities based on what serves you best. Rather than being limited to one particular school of thought, I can draw from a rich toolkit of evidence-based approaches to create something entirely unique to your needs.

For instance, if you're dealing with anxiety, we might combine cognitive behavioral techniques combined with exposure and response prevention, in order to notice and alter your thoughts, while identifying an optimal and slowly increasing level of challenge with overcoming fears, so you are not eternally avoiding, and limited by, them. I am always using a somatic lens when I work with a client, tracking and interacting with anxiety (or other emotions and memories) as it shows up in your body. If I am working with a family or a subunit of a family, my family systems training is always informing me. Sometimes I use narrative therapy approaches (with the added flavor of fun and expertise I developed as a drama therapist) to help you imagine and fight back against an externalized “enemy” like anxiety. 

This integrative approach is particularly powerful because it recognizes that healing and growth happen on multiple levels simultaneously. You're not just a collection of symptoms to be managed, but a whole person with complex inner worlds, relationships, and life experiences that all contribute to your current situation.

The Role of Embodied Approaches in Personalized Care

My emphasis on embodied and somatic approaches adds another crucial dimension to personalized therapy. Many people have learned to disconnect from their bodies as a way of coping with difficult experiences, but this disconnection often limits their ability to fully heal and grow.

Embodied approaches recognize that our bodies hold wisdom, memories, and information that purely cognitive approaches might miss. By helping you develop a healthier relationship with your physical sensations, impulses, and bodily responses, we can access deeper levels of healing and self-awareness.

This doesn't mean that every session involves body-focused work, but rather that I remain attuned to how your whole system – mind, body, emotions, and spirit – is responding to the therapeutic process. Some people find this approach immediately helpful, while others need time to develop comfort with body awareness. The key is meeting you where you are and moving at a pace that feels right for you.

Adapting Therapy to Your Learning Style and Preferences

Personalized therapy also means adapting to your natural learning style and preferences. Some people are highly verbal processors who benefit from talking through their experiences and insights. Others are more visual or kinesthetic learners who might benefit from creative approaches, movement, or hands-on techniques.

My training in drama therapy allows me to incorporate expressive and creative elements when they serve your goals. This might involve using metaphor, storytelling, role-playing, Internal Family Systems Theory (IFS), or other creative techniques to explore difficult topics in new ways. However, if you're someone who prefers more straightforward conversational approaches, I am just as experienced with the person-centered model instead.

The beauty of personalized therapy is that it can evolve and change as you do. What works for you at the beginning of our therapeutic relationship might shift as you grow and develop new insights. I remain flexible and responsive to these changes, regularly checking in with you about what's feeling helpful and what might need adjustment.

Building on Your Existing Strengths

An essential component of personalized therapy involves identifying and building on your existing strengths and resources. Rather than focusing solely on problems or deficits, I help you recognize the capabilities, insights, and resilience you already possess.

This strengths-based approach is particularly important because it helps you develop confidence in your ability to navigate challenges and create positive change in your life. When therapy builds on what's already working for you, the growth process feels more natural and sustainable.

During our work together, I help you identify patterns and strategies that have served you well in the past, even in difficult circumstances. We then explore how to adapt and expand these strengths to address your current situation. This approach honors your expertise about your own life while providing new tools and perspectives that can enhance your natural capabilities.

The Importance of Cultural and Contextual Sensitivity

Truly personalized therapy must also account for your cultural background, family influences, and current life context. What might be considered healthy or adaptive in one cultural context might not translate directly to another. Similarly, what works for someone in one life stage or circumstance might not be appropriate for someone facing different challenges.

My extensive experience working with diverse populations and complex family dynamics has taught me the importance of understanding each person within their broader context. This includes not just cultural and ethnic background, but also socioeconomic factors, family structure, religious or spiritual beliefs, and current life circumstances. All this is further complicated by intercultural family dynamics when I am working with a family or couple. 

Rather than making assumptions about what might work for you, I take time to understand your unique situation and what factors might influence your therapeutic process. This contextual understanding helps ensure that our work together feels relevant and applicable to your actual life circumstances. I am always open to feedback about our relationship and insights you have about what you need from me. 

Collaborative Goal Setting and Treatment Planning

Personalized therapy is inherently collaborative. While I bring professional expertise and clinical skills to our work together, you are the expert on your own experience and what you hope to achieve through therapy. This collaborative approach ensures that our work remains focused on your goals and priorities rather than following a predetermined agenda.

During our initial sessions, we spend significant time identifying what you hope to accomplish through therapy. These goals might be concrete and specific, such as developing better coping strategies for anxiety, or they might be broader, such as improving your overall sense of well-being and life satisfaction.

As we work together, I regularly check in with you about how therapy is feeling and whether we're making progress toward your goals. This ongoing dialogue allows us to adjust our approach as needed and ensure that our work continues to feel relevant and helpful to you.

The Long-Term Benefits of Personalized Mental Health Care

When therapy is truly personalized, the benefits extend far beyond symptom reduction or problem-solving. You develop a deeper understanding of yourself, including your patterns, triggers, strengths, and values. This self-awareness becomes a valuable resource that you can draw upon long after our formal therapeutic relationship ends.

Personalized therapy also helps you develop a toolkit of strategies and approaches that are specifically tailored to how you function best. Rather than trying to remember generic advice or techniques that might not fit your situation, you learn approaches that feel natural and sustainable for your particular way of being in the world.

Perhaps most importantly, personalized therapy helps you develop greater trust in your own judgment and decision-making abilities. When therapy honors your unique perspective and builds on your existing strengths, you develop confidence in your ability to navigate future challenges independently.

What to Expect in Our Personalized Therapeutic Process

If you're considering personalized therapy, you might wonder what this process actually looks like in practice. After our initial consultation call and first full session, we'll establish a consistent structure that works for your schedule and needs. Sessions typically occur weekly or sometimes biweekly, depending on your goals and circumstances.

Each session builds on previous work while remaining responsive to what's most important for you in the moment. We might spend time exploring thoughts, emotions, impulses, behaviors, sensations, and patterns related to your goals. I might offer tools like coping strategies, communication skills, or mindset shifts, and we often practice using these tools during our session time.

Between sessions, you're encouraged to reflect on our work and practice new skills or approaches we've discussed. This between-session work is an important part of the therapeutic process, as it helps you integrate insights and strategies into your daily life.

Our work together becomes a collaborative space for personal insight, emotional growth, and navigating life challenges. We'll have periodic check-ins to assess progress and adjust goals as needed, ensuring that our work continues to serve your evolving needs and circumstances.

Moving Forward with Confidence

Choosing to pursue personalized therapy is an investment in your long-term well-being and growth. It's a recognition that you deserve an approach that honors your uniqueness and supports your individual journey toward greater health and fulfillment.

If you're feeling curious about how personalized therapy might benefit your specific situation, I encourage you to reach out for a consultation call. During this brief, informal conversation, we can explore whether my integrative approach feels like a good fit for your needs and goals.

Remember, therapy is most effective when it feels genuinely collaborative and personally relevant. You deserve an approach that recognizes your complexity, builds on your strengths, and supports your individual path toward healing and growth.

The journey toward greater mental health and well-being is deeply personal, and your therapeutic experience should reflect that reality. Through personalized, integrative mental health care, you can develop the insights, skills, and self-awareness needed to create lasting positive change in your life.

Working with a private provider offers distinct advantages that support this personalized approach. Unlike providers who must navigate insurance requirements that often dictate session frequency, treatment duration, and approved modalities, I have the freedom to focus entirely on what serves your individual needs best. This means we can take the time necessary for your healing process without being constrained by external timelines or limitations on which therapeutic approaches we can use together.

Additionally, as a solo practitioner, my clinical decisions are guided solely by your therapeutic needs and goals, rather than corporate metrics or venture capital demands that might prioritize quick turnover or standardized protocols. This independence allows me to maintain the flexibility and responsiveness that true personalized care requires, ensuring that our work together remains authentically focused on your growth and well-being.

Hi! I’m Julie Weigel, and I’m a Licensed Therapist in California who specializes in relationships, family therapy, and child/adolescent therapy.

Contact me today to schedule your free consultation call and begin exploring how personalized therapy might support your unique journey toward greater well-being and personal growth.

What to Expect from Your First Online Therapy Session

Taking the first step toward therapy can feel both exciting and nerve-wracking. Whether you're considering online therapy for the first time or transitioning from in-person sessions, understanding what lies ahead can help ease those initial jitters and set you up for success. As a licensed marriage and family therapist practicing throughout California, I've guided countless individuals through their first therapy session online, and I'm here to walk you through exactly what you can expect during this important journey.

Understanding the Online Therapy Intake Process

The online therapy intake process is designed to be thorough yet comfortable, ensuring that both you and I have all the information needed to work together effectively. This process begins before we even meet face-to-face through a screen and continues through your first full session and beyond.

You may wonder how online therapy differs from traditional in-person sessions, particularly when it comes to the first steps. The value of secure video therapy lies in its ability to create an intimate, private space for healing while offering the convenience and accessibility that allows it to reliably fit into your life. From the comfort of your own home, you can begin a transformative process without the added stress and time of commuting or sitting in a waiting room.

The Initial Free Consultation Call

Your journey begins with an initial free consultation call, which serves as an important first step in the therapy onboarding process. This conversation is intentionally brief, typically lasting less than 30 minutes, and maintains an informal tone that helps put you at ease.

During this call, you'll have the opportunity to briefly discuss why you're seeking therapy. This isn't the time for deep dives into your personal history or traumatic experiences – rather, it's a chance for you to share what's bringing you to therapy at this particular moment in your life. You might mention feeling overwhelmed by life transitions, struggling with relationship patterns, experiencing anxiety, or simply feeling stuck and wanting support in moving forward.

I encourage you to come prepared with questions about my approach and experience. This is your opportunity to learn about my background in family systems theory, narrative therapy, somatic experiencing, drama therapy combined with internal family systems theory, person-centered therapy, and CBT combined with ERP for anxiety treatment. You might want to ask about my 25 years of experience in children's mental health, my specialized training in family therapy and child development, or my experience with teaching parenting skills, including support for divorcing families.

The consultation call is fundamentally about determining fit. Am I the right therapist for you? Therapy is deeply personal work, and the therapeutic relationship forms the foundation of meaningful change. During our conversation, pay attention to how you feel speaking with me. Do you feel heard and understood? Does my approach resonate with your needs and preferences? Trust your instincts – they're often accurate indicators of whether we'll work well together.

I'll also be assessing whether I'm the right therapist for your specific needs. My extensive background in varied, complex, and challenging cases has taught me the importance of honest evaluation of fit. If I believe another therapeutic approach or specialist might better serve your needs, I'll share that perspective openly and help guide you toward someone who might be a better fit.

Moving Forward: The Decision Point

If we both feel optimistic about working together, the next step involves completing intake paperwork online before our first full session. This paperwork serves several important functions in the online therapy intake process.

The intake forms gather essential information about your mental health history, current concerns, and therapy goals. You'll provide details about previous therapy experiences, current medications, family history, and specific symptoms or challenges you're facing. In encourage you to take this seriously and to be thorough, because this information helps me understand your unique situation and begin considering which of my various therapeutic modalities might be most beneficial for your personalized mental health care.

The paperwork also covers practical matters like emergency contacts, medical information, and consent forms for online therapy. Since I practice as a solo therapist online, these forms ensure we have all necessary information to work together safely and effectively through our digital platform.

Your First Full Session: What to Expect

Your first full session marks the beginning of our therapeutic work together. This 50-minute session takes place using a secure video platform. This provides privacy and confidentiality while maintaining the personal connection essential for effective therapy.

The Technical Setup

Before diving into the therapeutic content, we'll ensure your technical setup supports a smooth session. The secure video platform I use is designed specifically for mental health services, meeting all HIPAA requirements for privacy and confidentiality. You'll want to find a private space where you won't be interrupted, test your internet connection, and ensure your camera and microphone are working properly. Special note for parents: Sometimes kids are in the next room and assumed to be disinterested or deemed too young to understand. They may be more curious and clever about eavesdropping than you might think. Keep this in mind when securing the environment for our sessions. Sometimes the car is the most private environment. Just make sure I know your location and you have good lighting. I recommend using a computer or tablet rather than a phone when possible, as the larger screen creates a more connected experience. However, I understand that flexibility is one of the benefits of online therapy, so we can make any setup work for your circumstances.

Exploring Your Current Concerns

During your first session, we'll go into much greater depth about what's bringing you to therapy. Unlike the brief consultation call, this session provides space for you to share your story more fully. I'll ask about your current concerns, how they're impacting your daily life, and what you're hoping to achieve through our work together.

My approach draws from multiple therapeutic modalities, allowing me to tailor our sessions to your specific needs. If you're dealing with anxiety, we might explore both cognitive-behavioral techniques (CBT combined with ERP) and somatic approaches that help you understand how anxiety lives in your body. For relationship concerns, we might examine family systems and patterns that influence your current connections.

The embodied, or somatic, approaches I emphasize recognize that healing happens not just in the mind but also involves a physical experience that including nonverbal cues, sensations, and feelings. During our first session, I might ask you to notice physical sensations, breathing patterns, or areas of tension as we talk. This isn't about forcing anything – it's about increasing awareness of how your body holds and processes experiences. Sometimes people resist the body’s wisdom, but I see this differently. The body offers guidance that can be trusted and harnessed to your advantage. As we work together, I will help you understand what I mean and get to know your body’s feedback in a way that allows you to integrate all parts of your self (your internal family system). 

Understanding Your Mental Health History

A significant portion of your first session involves exploring your mental health history. This includes previous therapy experiences, what worked well, what didn't, and what you learned about yourself through those processes. If you've never been to therapy before, we'll explore what led you to consider it now and any concerns or expectations you might have. If you have been to therapy before, we will explore what has worked and what hasn’t, your preferences, and you will be encouraged to be open and assertive with me if and when you disagree or have questions. 

I'll ask about family mental health history, significant life events, and current support systems. This information helps me understand the broader context of your life and informs how we might work together most effectively. My extensive experience with complex cases has taught me that everyone's story is unique, and the therapeutic approach must honor that individuality.

Discussing Goals and Treatment Planning

During your first session, we'll begin identifying your therapy goals. These might be specific ("I want to manage my anxiety better in social situations") or broader ("I want to feel more confident in my relationships"). Goals often evolve throughout therapy, and that's perfectly normal and expected.

I may outline a potential treatment plan based on our discussion, explaining which therapeutic approaches might be most helpful for your specific situation. For instance, if you're dealing with family relationship patterns, we might focus on family systems theory and narrative therapy to understand how your family history influences current relationships. If trauma is a factor, we might incorporate internal family systems (IFS) or somatic experiencing to help your nervous system process and integrate difficult experiences.

The treatment plan is always collaborative and flexible. My 25 years of experience have shown me that rigid treatment approaches rarely serve clients well. Instead, I create a framework that can adapt as you grow and change throughout our work together.

Session Structure and Frequency

I'll also discuss the recommended session structure moving forward. Most clients benefit from weekly sessions, though some find biweekly sessions work better for their schedules and processing style. The frequency can always be adjusted based on your needs, life circumstances, and therapeutic progress.

Each session will typically last 50 minutes, providing enough time to dive deep into meaningful work while maintaining clear boundaries. The consistency of regular sessions creates a reliable container for your growth and healing.

What Happens After Your First Session

Once we've established our therapeutic relationship, you can expect a consistent, structured process focused on your progress and support. The work becomes increasingly collaborative as you develop greater self-awareness and begin implementing new tools and perspectives in your daily life.

The Rhythm of Ongoing Sessions

Weekly or biweekly sessions create a rhythm that supports sustained growth and change. Each session builds on the previous one, creating momentum toward your goals. We'll explore thoughts, emotions, impulses, behaviors, sensations, self-awareness, and patterns related to your specific objectives.

My somatic approach means we'll pay attention to how insights and emotions show up in your body. You might notice that certain topics create tension in your shoulders, or that discussing particular relationships affects your breathing. These bodily responses provide valuable information about your inner world and healing process.

Learning and Practicing New Tools

Throughout our work together, I'll offer various tools tailored to your needs and goals. These might include coping strategies for managing anxiety, communication skills for improving relationships, or mindset shifts that support your personal growth. The specific tools will depend on which therapeutic modalities best serve your situation.

For example, if we're working with anxiety, we may talk about techniques to increase regulation of your nervous system, recognition of when you are in your “window of tolerance” or in hyperarousal or hypoarousal, we may be using CBT combined with ERP approaches, including thought-challenging techniques and developing a series of carefully designed gradual exposure to feared situations. If we're exploring family patterns through family systems theory, you might develop new ways of understanding and responding to family dynamics. Sometimes we talk about these new ways and sometimes we practice change, using drama therapy techniques. This embodied approach to learning assertiveness and practicing change can be particularly powerful. You don’t have to be an actor, or even confident, to benefit from these techniques. Don’t worry, I will be your guide and practice with you so any awkwardness is shared and you develop strength and skill as you go. Drama therapy and internal family systems work are aimed at helping you understand different parts of yourself and how they interact, as well as integrate them into a cohesive whole. My belief in, and practice of, person-centered therapy ensure that your inner wisdom and expertise is recognized throughout our work together.

Between-Session Practice and Reflection

One of the unique aspects of therapeutic work is that growth continues between sessions. I encourage clients to reflect on our conversations, practice new skills, read suggested and related material, and notice patterns in their daily lives. This might involve journaling, trying new communication approaches, trying a new technique, or simply paying attention to how certain situations affect you.

The practice between sessions isn't homework in the traditional sense – it's an optional opportunity to integrate therapeutic insights into your real life. Some weeks you might have profound insights to share, while other weeks you might feel like nothing significant happened. Both experiences are valuable and normal parts of the therapeutic process.

Open Communication and Feedback

I encourage clients to openly share what is or isn't working in our sessions. Therapy is most effective when it feels relevant and helpful to your life. If a particular approach doesn't resonate with you, or if you'd like to explore something differently, please speak up. My extensive training in multiple modalities means I can adjust our approach to better meet your needs. Every time you dare to be open with me, I get to know you better and have the opportunity to earn your trust back.

This open communication extends to the pace of our work as well. Some clients prefer to dive deep quickly, while others need more time to develop trust and comfort. There's no right or wrong pace – only what works best for you.

Progress Monitoring and Goal Adjustment

Over time, we'll periodically check in on your progress toward your original goals. Sometimes clients discover that their initial goals were symptoms of deeper issues they want to address. Other times, achieving certain goals opens up new areas for growth and exploration.

These progress check-ins help ensure our work remains relevant and meaningful to your life. They're also opportunities to celebrate the changes you've made and acknowledge the courage it takes to engage in therapeutic work.

The Unique Benefits of Working with a Solo Therapist Online

As a solo therapist online, I offer a level of personalized attention and continuity that can be particularly beneficial for therapeutic work. You'll work exclusively with me throughout your therapy journey, developing a deep therapeutic relationship that supports lasting change.

My 25 years of experience in children's mental health, combined with my extensive training in family therapy, child therapy, teen and adolescent therapy, parenting therapy, child development, drama therapy, divorced family therapy, and addiction treatment, allows me to understand complex family dynamics and their impact on individual well-being. This background is particularly valuable for clients dealing with family relationships, parenting challenges, or the lasting effects of childhood experiences.

The online format adds accessibility and convenience without sacrificing therapeutic depth. Many clients find that being in their own space actually helps them feel more comfortable and open during sessions. The secure video platform maintains privacy while allowing for the visual connection essential for meaningful therapeutic work.

Practical Considerations for Online Therapy Success

Successfully engaging in online therapy requires some practical preparation, but the effort pays off in terms of convenience and accessibility.

Creating Your Therapeutic Space

Choose a private location where you won't be interrupted during sessions. This might be your bedroom, home office, or any space where you feel safe and comfortable. Consider the lighting – you want to be clearly visible without harsh shadows or backlighting. A simple lamp or natural light from a window usually works well.

Think about your seating as well. Choose a chair that's comfortable for 50 minutes and allows you to sit upright and engage actively in the conversation. Some clients like to have a journal or notebook nearby, though this isn't required. Children and teens are not required to stay seated during sessions. They are free to move around and bring the phone with them or prop it up somewhere more comfortable. They may need a “corrective experience” by developing a new relationship with online therapy after the experience of so much time spent in Zoom classes during the pandemic. 

Technology Requirements

Ensure you have a reliable internet connection and a device with a working camera and microphone. Make sure you have enough battery or you can easily plug in your device. Test your setup before your first session to avoid technical difficulties that might interfere with our work together. The secure video platform I use is user-friendly, but don't hesitate to reach out if you have technical questions.

Consider having a backup plan in case of technical difficulties. This might involve having my phone number available for a brief check-in call if video connection fails temporarily.

Privacy Considerations

Online therapy requires some additional privacy considerations. Make sure other household members know not to interrupt during your session times. If privacy is challenging in your living situation, consider using headphones and finding the most private space available.

The secure video platform ensures that our sessions are confidential and protected, meeting all professional standards for mental health services.

Understanding the Investment in Your Mental Health

Therapy represents an investment in your mental health and overall well-being. Rather than focusing on cost, I encourage you to consider the value of developing better coping skills, improving relationships, and creating positive changes that will benefit you for years to come.

For specific information about session fees and scheduling options, I encourage you to reach out directly. During our initial consultation call, we can discuss the practical aspects of working together, including session frequency and payment arrangements.

Moving Forward: Your Next Steps

If you're considering online therapy, the first step is reaching out for that initial consultation call. This brief conversation provides an opportunity to learn more about my approach, ask questions, and determine if we might work well together.

Remember that starting therapy is a courageous step that demonstrates your commitment to personal growth and well-being. The online therapy intake process is designed to support you from the very beginning, ensuring you feel informed, comfortable, and ready to engage in this meaningful work.

My approach to personalized mental health care means that your therapy experience will be tailored specifically to your needs, goals, and preferences. Drawing from my extensive training in multiple therapeutic modalities and 25 years of experience with complex cases, I'll work with you to create a therapeutic experience that honors your unique situation and supports your individual path toward healing and growth.

Whether you're dealing with parenting, social issues or social anxiety, other kinds of anxiety, depression, trauma, relationship challenges, family dynamics, life transitions, or simply seeking greater self-understanding, online therapy can provide a safe, accessible space for exploration and growth. The combination of professional expertise, personalized attention, and the convenience of secure video therapy creates optimal conditions for meaningful therapeutic work.

Your mental health matters, and taking the step to explore therapy – whether for the first time or returning after a break – demonstrates wisdom and self-care. I'm here to support you through this process, from that first consultation call through whatever journey unfolds in our work together.

If you're ready to learn more about how online therapy might support your goals, I invite you to reach out for that initial consultation. Together, we can explore whether my approach and experience align with what you're seeking in your therapeutic journey.

Hi! I’m Julie Weigel, and I’m a Licensed Therapist in California who specializes in relationships, family therapy, and child/adolescent therapy.

Call today to schedule a free online consultation.

How Embodied Therapy Supports Long-Term Emotional Growth

In an increasingly fast-paced world, many people are seeking therapy that goes beyond surface-level symptom relief. They are looking for something that feels tangible, grounded, transformative, and deeply personal. This is where embodied therapy can offer lasting emotional growth. As a solo therapist (a mental health professional who runs my own private practice and provides services to clients, independent of any venture capital company or insurance company oversight), someone well-trained in a range of integrative modalities—including somatic experiencing, internal family systems theory, drama therapy, and cognitive behavioral therapy combined with exposure and response prevention—I offer a unique and personalized approach tailored to each client’s needs.

What Is Embodied Therapy?

Embodied therapy, often referred to as somatic therapy, focuses on the integration of the body and mind in the healing process. It recognizes that emotional experiences are not only stored cognitively (in your thoughts and beliefs, as might be assumed by tone who practices strictly traditional talk therapy), but also physically—within our nervous systems, muscles, and even posture. By bringing awareness to physical sensations, movements, and patterns, clients begin to access deeper layers of their emotional landscape. Within this emotional landscape is where deep and sustaining change can take place.

This therapeutic approach is not a one-size-fits-all solution. Instead, it evolves with each client’s unique experiences, emotional triggers, and life history.Therefore, you need someone with extensive experience, both with clients and in this mode of treatment, to guide the way. The work we do together is shaped by your story, your comfort level, and your goals.

How the Body Holds Emotional Memory

Emotional responses are not solely a mental process. When you feel anxious, your heart races. When you’re angry, your jaw may tighten. These physical responses are deeply connected to past experiences and unresolved emotions. Embodied therapy invites you to notice these sensations, explore their origins, and develop more adaptive ways to respond.

For instance, when working with someone who experiences anxiety, I may notice them using a gesture or making.a statement that escapes their conscious awareness. Together, we may consider and explore its meaning. Sometimes I incorporate grounding exercises that help clients reconnect with the safety of the present moment and the wisdom of the body. When trauma is stored in the body, we approach it gently, using techniques from somatic experiencing or internal family systems therapy to trust the body’s wisdom and timing, in order to safely process and integrate those memories.

Personalized Treatment That Evolves With You

Each client’s journey is different. Some may benefit from developing more empowerment and self-care through role-play and assertiveness practice,, while others may benefit more from techniques rooted in internal family systems theory, involving dialogue between parts of the self and leadership from “the self” part, Still others need to reject and combat intrusive and faulty thinking through the technique of narrative therapy. For clients managing obsessive thoughts or compulsive behaviors, I will likely integrate cognitive behavioral therapy with exposure and response prevention (ERP), which is considered the gold standard of treatment for OCD. With each approach, my extensive training in drama therapy allows me to introduce these techniques with expertise and a natural and comfortable style, so any awkwardness is quickly dispelled. I am always by your side, ready to join you and lead you in serious and intentional play, at times using humor along the way.

There is no preset formula. Instead, I collaboratively design a treatment plan that aligns with your needs, preferences, and goals. It takes an expert with extensive experience in these methods to discern which modalities and techniques are called for, and when and how to use them effectively, The goal is always to offer you a meaningful and empowering therapy experience.

The Intake Process: What to Expect

Beginning therapy can feel daunting, especially if you’re not sure what to expect. I start with a free 30 minute consultation call. This informal conversation gives us a chance to briefly explore why you’re seeking therapy, answer any initial questions, and determine if working together feels like a good fit.

If we choose to move forward, I’ll send you secure online intake paperwork to complete before our first full session. The first session lasts 50 minutes and takes place on a secure video platform. During this session, we’ll dive deeper into your current challenges, relevant history, and goals for therapy. Based on this information, I may suggest a treatment structure or pathway to guide our future sessions.

What Ongoing Therapy Looks Like

Once we establish a working relationship, sessions are typically held weekly, though some clients may shift to biweekly based on progress or preference. In these sessions, we explore your emotions, behaviors, thoughts, (and sometimes accompanying bodily sensations0 in a structured and supportive space.

I offer tools that you can practice both in and between sessions, including:

• Grounding and mindfulness techniques

• Communication and boundary-setting skills

• Emotional regulation strategies

• Creative expression and role-play for insight and healing

Therapy becomes a collaborative process. You are encouraged to share openly about what’s helpful or not, and we periodically check in on your progress and goals. This adaptability ensures that our work remains aligned with your evolving needs.

Why Embodied Therapy Facilitates Long-Term Change

While talk therapy alone can offer relief and insight, embodied approaches add a layer of depth that supports long-lasting change. By involving the body in the healing process, clients often experience a greater sense of integration, resilience, and emotional clarity.

For example, clients who have long struggled with anxiety may begin to recognize physical cues early and use body-based tools to self-regulate. Those processing grief or trauma often find that addressing their pain somatically allows them to move forward without becoming overwhelmed.

Because embodied therapy addresses the root of emotional distress, rather than just symptoms, it lays the foundation for meaningful, sustainable growth.

My Experience and Focus Areas

With 25 years of experience in children’s mental health, I’ve supported clients through a wide range of complex and challenging situations. In addition to my work with individual adults, children, and families, I have specialized training in family therapy, addiction treatment, child development, and parenting education—particularly for families navigating divorce or major transitions.

This extensive background allows me to draw on a broad toolkit of therapeutic approaches, tailoring each session to your specific needs and background. Whether you are seeking support for anxiety, navigating family dynamics, or simply looking to understand yourself more deeply, I aim to create a space where healing and insight can unfold at your pace.

Ready to Begin?

If you’re curious about embodied therapy and how it might support your personal growth, I invite you to reach out and schedule a free consultation. Let’s explore whether this approach aligns with what you’re seeking.

Hi! I’m Julie Weigel, and I’m a Licensed Therapist in California who specializes in relationships, family therapy, and child/adolescent therapy.

Call today to schedule your free consultation.

What You DON’T Want in a Therapist

As you embark on your journey of therapy, BE PICKY! it’s crucial to find a therapist who understands not only what you’re seeking but also what you want to avoid. The therapeutic relationship is a vital component of your healing process, so make sure your experience is as supportive and effective as possible. Here are some common complaints about therapy that has NOT been supportive or effective.

Feeling Judged or Misunderstood by the Therapist

One of the most common complaints about therapy is feeling judged or misunderstood by the therapist. Clients often seek therapy as a safe space to share their thoughts and emotions, but even subtle signs of judgment or lack of understanding can make them feel unsafe.

It’s completely natural to worry about being judged when sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings. Many clients express a fear that their therapist may not understand or may look down upon their experiences. It’s important for you to feel safe and accepted in this space.

Examples of judgment:

• The therapist expressing surprise or disapproval about a client’s decisions.

• Unintentionally invalidating remarks like, “Why didn’t you just do X?” or “That doesn’t seem like a big deal.”

• Impact: Clients may shut down, feel ashamed, or even stop attending therapy altogether.

Therapists Talking Too Much

Clients often complain about therapists who dominate sessions with their own talking, advice, or personal anecdotes. While some guidance is helpful, therapy should primarily focus on the client’s thoughts and feelings. It should be YOUR space—and at your pace—a place for you to express yourself without feeling overshadowed. Some clients have experienced therapists who talk too much or offer unsolicited advice, leaving them feeling unheard (or judged).

• Examples of excessive talking:

  • Therapists offering unsolicited advice without fully understanding the client’s situation.

  • Therapists sharing too much about their own lives, making the session feel like a one-sided conversation.

• Impact: Clients may feel unheard or like their time in therapy is being wasted.
  

A Lack of Empathy or Emotional Attunement

Therapists who fail to show empathy or emotional attunement can leave clients feeling disconnected or unsupported. A therapist who practices somatic awareness is mindful of both your verbal and non-verbal cues.

• Examples of lacking empathy:

  • Rushing to problem-solve without acknowledging the client’s emotions first.

  • Appearing dismissive or indifferent when a client shares something vulnerable.

  • Not adjusting their tone or approach to meet the client’s emotional state.

• Impact: Clients may feel like their therapist doesn’t truly “get” them, which can hinder trust and progress.

• Empathy is essential in therapy. Clients often feel disconnected or misunderstood when their therapist fails to acknowledge their feelings.

Feeling Like the Therapist Is Distracted or Disengaged

Many clients express frustration when their therapist seems distracted or not fully present during sessions.

• Examples of distraction:

• Glancing at the clock too often or appearing rushed.

• Checking a phone or tablet during the session.

• Giving generic or surface-level responses that suggest they’re not fully listening.

• Impact: Clients may feel unimportant or like their therapist isn’t invested in their well-being.

Lack of Cultural Competence and Sensitivity

Therapists who fail to understand or respect a client’s cultural background can unintentionally cause harm or alienation.

• Examples of cultural insensitivity:

• Making assumptions about a client’s identity, values, or experiences.

• Dismissing cultural, racial, or religious factors that are central to the client’s concerns.

• Using language or examples that don’t resonate with the client’s lived experience.

• Impact: Clients may feel misunderstood, invalidated, or even harmed by microaggressions.

Feeling Like the Therapist Is Too Passive

While therapy should be a space for clients to lead the conversation, clients often complain about therapists who are too passive or disengaged, failing to provide meaningful guidance or structure.

• Examples of passivity:

• Only asking, “How does that make you feel?” without offering deeper insights or interventions.

• Failing to challenge unhelpful patterns or provide tools for growth.

• Avoiding difficult topics or allowing the session to feel aimless.

• Impact: Clients may feel stuck or like their therapy isn’t moving forward.

Unrealistic Promises or Expectations

Therapists who overpromise or set unrealistic expectations can leave clients feeling disillusioned.

• Examples of unrealistic promises:

• Assuring clients they’ll see quick results when therapy often takes time.

• Claiming to “fix” problems instead of empowering clients to navigate challenges themselves.

• Not being transparent about the effort required from both the client and therapist.

• Impact: Clients may feel frustrated or lose trust in the process when their expectations aren’t met.

Lack of Flexibility in Approach

Clients often complain about therapists who rely on a rigid, one-size-fits-all approach that doesn’t meet their unique needs.

• Examples of rigidity:

• Sticking strictly to one therapeutic modality, even if it isn’t working for the client.

• Ignoring the client’s feedback or preferences about the direction of therapy.

• Failing to adapt to the client’s personality, goals, or communication style.

• Impact: Clients may feel like the therapy isn’t tailored to them, reducing its effectiveness.

Limited Availability or Poor Communication

Scheduling and communication issues can create unnecessary frustration for clients.

• Examples of poor communication:

• Therapists taking a long time to respond to scheduling requests or questions.

• Frequent cancellations or rescheduling of sessions.

• Not providing clear information about fees, policies, or what to expect in therapy.

• Impact: Clients may feel undervalued or struggle to maintain consistency in their therapeutic work.

Financial Concerns

Therapy can be expensive, and clients often feel frustrated when they don’t see progress despite spending significant time and money.

• Examples of financial concerns:

• Feeling like they’re not getting enough value for the cost of therapy.

• Being charged for cancellations or late arrivals without clear communication about the policy.

• Impact: Clients may feel resentful or discouraged, potentially leading them to discontinue therapy.

Protecting Yourself as a Client in Therapy

Navigating the therapeutic landscape can be challenging, especially when faced with common complaints about therapy. However, there are proactive steps you can take to protect yourself and ensure a positive experience. Here are some recommendations:

Research Potential Therapists: Before committing, take time to read reviews, ask for recommendations, and check credentials. Look for therapists who specialize in your specific needs and demonstrate cultural competence. Take advantage of the free consultation phone call many therapists offer to ask questions and get a sense of whether you feel comfortable with them. Trust your gut feeling on this.

Set Clear Goals: At the outset, articulate your goals for therapy. This clarity can help guide the sessions and ensure that your therapist stays focused on your needs.

Communicate Openly: Don’t hesitate to express any discomfort or concerns during sessions. Providing feedback can help guide the therapeutic relationship and improve the experience for both you and your therapist. Even if you have trouble asserting yourself with others in your life, therapy is the best place to develop and practice this skill. Your therapist should encourage it.

Trust Your Instincts: If something doesn’t feel right, it’s okay to seek another therapist. Your comfort and trust are paramount in the therapeutic process. Remember, it’s your journey, and you have the right to advocate for yourself.

Establish Boundaries: Be clear about your expectations regarding communication, session structure, and personal topics. When you set clear limits about what you do and don’t want, you create a safe space for open dialogue.

By taking these steps, you can protect yourself and foster a more fulfilling and effective therapeutic experience that aligns with your needs. After all, your therapist is working for you!

Hi! I’m Julie Weigel, and I’m a Licensed Therapist in California who specializes in relationships, family therapy, and child/adolescent therapy.

Call today to schedule your free consultation!

Julie Weigel, LMFT

As you consider beginning or continuing your therapy journey, you will be looking for a therapist who is the right fit. Know that I am committed to supporting my clients without judgment, distraction, and rigidity. My goal is to create a therapeutic relationship that fosters trust, empathy, and personal growth.If you’re feeling overwhelmed or facing challenges in your life, I encourage you to reach out. I’m here to help you navigate these difficulties with compassion and care, ensuring that your experience in therapy is empowering and transformative. Let’s work together to create a brighter future for you! Feel free to take advantage of a free 30 minute consultation call, to ask any questions you might have or discuss any specific concerns you have.

What Teens Need When Parents Divorce

Research consistently shows that children of divorced parents are at a heightened risk for various mental health challenges, such as depression, anxiety, and behavioral problems compared to their peers from intact families. For instance, a report published by the American Psychological Association highlights that these children often face a decline in overall well-being, with many struggling academically and socially. Notably, the impact can vary in severity depending on factors like the level of parental conflict, the quality of the parent-child relationship, and the support systems in place. Understanding these potential outcomes underscores the importance of addressing the specific needs of teens during and after divorce to help reduce these risks and promote healthier emotional development.

The good news is that you can make a difference! The decisions you make today, about reaching out for help, will affect the future. Teen therapy when parents divorce is a place where they can learn to recognize, anticipate and manage emotions, thereby develop resilience and skill with managing painful experiences. This sets the stage for successful future management of challenging situations throughout their lifetime. By demonstrating to your child that you value them and their wellbeing, as well as modeling to them the qualities of humility, self-care, and knowledge it takes to seek help, as needed in the future, you teach both that they are worthy of care and how and why to seek it.

Key Needs of Teens During Divorce

1. Emotional Support: Teens need a safe space to express their feelings. They may be dealing with a complex mix of emotions, including grief for the loss of the family unit. Parents can help by encouraging open communication and validating their feelings.

2. Stability and Routine: Maintaining a sense of normalcy is vital for teens during divorce. Consistent routines regarding school, extracurricular activities, and family traditions can provide a comforting structure amidst the chaos.

3. Reassurance of Love: Teens must know that both parents love them unconditionally. Reassuring them that the divorce is not their fault can help alleviate feelings of guilt or responsibility.

4. Respect for Their Autonomy: As adolescents, teens are developing their own identities. Respecting their need for independence and providing them with choices can empower them during this challenging time. It is important to note that this does not mean reducing structure or granting them everything they ask for.

Reducing Loyalty Pressure

One of the most critical aspects of supporting teens during a divorce is reducing loyalty pressure. This occurs when one parent inadvertently (or intentionally) puts the child in a position where they feel they must choose sides. Research shows that loyalty conflicts can lead to increased emotional distress for teens, affecting their relationships with both parents.

Tips to Reduce Loyalty Pressure

• Avoid Negative Talk: Refrain from speaking negatively about the other parent in front of your teen (note that you may also be overheard when you speak to others and texts or emails sometimes get read). Criticism can lead to feelings of guilt and anxiety about loving (and identifying with) both parents.

• Don’t Recruit: Avoid asking (both directly and indirectly) your teen to take your side in disagreements. Instead, focus on facilitating healthy communication between them and their other parent.

• Encourage Relationships: Support your teen’s relationship with both parents. Encourage them to spend time with the other parent without guilt, pressure, or the expectation that they talk about their time together.

The Importance of Reducing Interparental Hostility

Interparental hostility can significantly impact a teen's emotional well-being. High levels of conflict between parents can lead to increased anxiety and stress for adolescents. Research highlights that children exposed to conflict are more likely to experience behavioral and emotional issues.

Strategies to Reduce Interparental Hostility

• Effective Communication: Establish clear, respectful communication channels. Use neutral language and focus on co-parenting goals rather than personal grievances.

• Conflict Resolution: Practice conflict resolution techniques, such as taking a timeout to cool off before discussing contentious issues.

• Therapeutic Support: Consider engaging in co-parenting therapy or mediation to facilitate better communication and reduce hostility.

How to Talk About the Other Parent to Your Teen

When discussing the other parent with your teen, it's essential to approach the conversation thoughtfully and constructively. Research indicates that how parents talk about each other can significantly influence a teen's emotional well-being and their relationship with both parents. It can also impact your teen’s willingness to talk to you in general.

Guidelines for Constructive Conversations

• Focus on Neutrality: Speak about the other parent in a neutral or positive light. Avoid derogatory comments or criticisms, which can create tension and lead to feelings of guilt for your teen.

• Share Positive Memories: Encourage your teen to remember and talk about positive experiences with the other parent. This helps to reinforce that they can love both parents without feeling torn.

• Acknowledge Their Feelings: If your teen expresses frustration or anger about the other parent, validate their feelings without dismissing or agreeing with negative statements. You might say, “You are upset about that.” Demonstrate your approachability by waiting and showing interest should they want to say more, without demanding any follow up comments or asking follow up questions.

• Encourage Open Dialogue: Create an environment where your teen feels comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings about both parents. Show through your interest and receptivity that it's safe to talk about their experiences and emotions without fear of judgment or reprisal.

Handling Dating and Introducing New Partners

When it comes to dating or introducing new partners post-divorce, parents should approach the situation with sensitivity and consideration for their teen’s feelings. Research suggests that teens may struggle with feelings of jealousy, insecurity, or abandonment when a parent begins to date again. Therefore, it’s essential for parents to communicate openly with their teens about their new relationships. Before introducing a new partner, take the time to discuss it with your teen and gauge their feelings. Emphasize that their needs and emotions are a priority (this does not have to mean that they dictate who or when you date again). When introducing a new partner, do so gradually and in a low-pressure environment, allowing your teen to adjust at their own pace. Reassuring your teen that they remain a priority in your life can help ease any anxiety they may feel about the changes occurring in the family dynamic.

What to Say and Not Say to Teens

What to Say:

• "I love you, and this isn't your fault." This reassures teens that they are not responsible for the divorce.

• "It's okay to feel upset. I'm here to listen." Validating their emotions encourages open communication. Show that you mean this by truly listening.

• "We will get through this together." Emphasizing teamwork can make teens feel more secure during the transition.

What Not to Say:

• "Your (other parent) is the reason for this mess." Avoid placing blame, which can create loyalty conflicts and emotional turmoil. Avoid complaints about the other parent in general (keep in mind that your child identifies with you both, thus internalizes complaints about the other parent).

• "You need to choose who to stay with." This can lead to feelings of guilt and pressure, harming their relationship with both parents.

• "If you loved me, you'd [insert demand]." This places undue pressure on the teen and can lead to resentment.

Conclusion

Navigating a divorce as a parent is undoubtedly challenging, but understanding what your teen needs can make a significant difference in their emotional well-being. By providing emotional support, maintaining stability, and reducing loyalty pressure and interparental hostility, parents can help their teens adjust more positively to the changes in their family dynamics. As a marriage and family therapist, I encourage parents to prioritize open communication and empathy during this transition. By doing so, you not only support your teen's emotional health but also foster a more cooperative co-parenting relationship, ultimately benefiting the entire family.

If you feel overwhelmed or unsure about how to navigate these challenges, consider reaching out for professional support. Therapy can provide valuable guidance and tools to help you and your teen through this difficult time. Remember, you are not alone in this journey, and positive change is possible!

Hi! I’m Julie and I’m a Licensed Therapist in California who specializes in relationships, family therapy, and child/adolescent therapy.

Call today to schedule your free consultation!

925-289-8411

Do It Yourself (DIY) Play Therapy

Do It Yourself (DIY) Play Therapy

Parents often struggle to connect with their children, especially when emotional needs or behaviors become overwhelming. While play therapy can be helpful, it might not always be accessible or affordable. The good news is that you may already be the key to supporting your child's emotional and behavioral development—by becoming a more attuned version of yourself.

Here is some theoretical background from the 1940s onward addressing the development of non-directive play therapy approaches used by therapists and supporting the use of non-directive play with your child:

Child-Centered Play Therapy (CCPT)

Developed in the 1940s, Child-Centered Play Therapy (CCPT) uses play as a tool for children to express emotions, process experiences, and develop coping skills. CCPT emphasizes the importance of an accepting, empathetic, and non-directive relationship between the therapist and child. In CCPT, the child leads the play, while the therapist provides unconditional positive regard and validation. This approach empowers children to explore their thoughts, build self-esteem, and develop emotional resilience.

Filial Therapy: Parent-Child Play Therapy

In the 1960s, Bernard Guerney, Ph.D., introduced Filial Therapy, which adapts CCPT by involving parents as active participants in their child’s therapy. Parents are trained to conduct play sessions at home, using child-centered techniques to strengthen the parent-child bond and support emotional healing. This approach empowers parents to become the primary agents of change in their child’s emotional and behavioral development.

Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT)

Developed by Dr. Sheila Eyberg in the 1970s, PCIT is an evidence-based approach that combines play therapy with behavior management. It focuses on improving the quality of the parent-child relationship and addressing challenging behaviors. PCIT involves two phases: Child-Directed Interaction (CDI) and Parent-Directed Interaction (PDI). During CDI, parents strengthen the bond with their child through praise and play. During PDI, parents learn effective discipline strategies. The therapy includes live coaching, where a therapist observes interactions and provides real-time feedback.

Floortime

Floortime, introduced by Dr. Stanley Greenspan in the 1980s, is an intervention designed for children with developmental challenges like autism spectrum disorder (ASD). It focuses on fostering emotional and social development through child-led play. The name "Floortime" reflects the idea of physically and emotionally entering the child’s world by engaging in play. Key principles include following the child’s lead, engaging at their developmental level, and challenging them to expand their growth.

As you can see, these approaches have historically required therapist guidance. Not everyone can afford therapy, so you may want to give these concepts a try on your own.

DIY Play Therapy at Home

You can use child-centered play therapy and Floortime techniques to engage your child in DIY play therapy, strengthening your bond and addressing their unique needs. This approach not only fosters connection but also encourages positive behavior.

Benefits of DIY Floortime Play Therapy

Using non-directive play therapy can benefit children with a range of challenges, including ASD, ADHD, anxiety, and developmental delays. For parents, engaging in these techniques helps:

• Strengthen the bond with your child by building trust and emotional connection.

• Support emotional regulation, creating a safe space for your child to express feelings.

• Foster communication and social skills through back-and-forth interactions.

• Empower you as a parent, enabling you to be an active participant in your child’s emotional journey.

Step-by-Step Guide to DIY Floortime

Here’s how you can use child-centered play therapy techniques at home. First of all, ensure that you have 20-30 minutes of time set aside daily for attuning to your child. That means turn your phone off for that length of time and stay child-centered.

• Create a distraction-free environment, turning off screens and minimizing background noise.

• Be patient and flexible, recognizing that progress may take time and celebrating small victories.
  

Step 1: Follow Your Child’s Lead

The first principle of non-directive play is to let your child take charge of the play. Observe their interests and join in without directing or correcting them. For example:

• If your child is lining up cars, join them by adding a car to the line without suggesting a race.

• If they’re spinning in circles, join in and spin with them.

• If they’re stacking blocks, mimic their actions and add to the tower.

Following their lead shows that you value their interests, which fosters trust and emotional attunement.

Step 2: Enter Their World Through Play

Once you’ve joined your child’s activity, engage them at their emotional and developmental level. For example:

• If your child loves dinosaurs, pretend to be a dinosaur and roar with them.

• If they’re stacking blocks, add a block to their tower.

• If they’re playing with dolls, join in as a character in their story.

The goal is to "speak their language" and create an emotional connection through play.

There are many benefits to Non Directive Play:

Emotional Attunement and Its Role in Parent-Child Dynamics

Emotional attunement is the ability to tune into your child’s emotional state and respond in a validating way. This connection fosters trust and strengthens the parent-child bond, which is essential for emotional development. When children feel emotionally attuned to their parents, they develop a natural desire to please them, fostering cooperation and respect.

Improvements in Behavior and Respect

When parents respond to their child with empathy and curiosity, it creates a nurturing environment where cooperation and mutual respect thrive. Emotional attunement helps transform discipline into a collaborative effort, reducing struggles and enhancing the parent-child relationship.

When to Seek Support from a Play Therapist

While DIY play therapy can be effective, parents may have blind spots or revert to old habits that undermine their goals. In such cases, working with a licensed parenting therapist can be beneficial. A therapist can help guide you in providing child-centered therapy at home, offering expert feedback and support to strengthen your approach.

The Parent-Child Connection at the Heart of Play Therapy

While some may believe play therapy is best conducted by a therapist, the most powerful therapeutic tool is the parent-child connection. Children thrive when they feel deeply connected to their parent. While therapists can offer valuable guidance, the parent’s involvement is crucial for emotional growth and healing.

How an Online Parenting Therapist Can Help

An online parenting therapist can support parents learning to implement child-centered play therapy. The therapist can observe play sessions via video, and have the ability to provide real-time feedback and strategies. While observing, the therapist remains in the background, empowering the parent to take the lead while receiving guidance to deepen emotional attunement, improve communication, and address challenging behaviors. The session can be divided into observation and feedback (to parent alone) portions of the session.

Conclusion

DIY play therapy using child-centered techniques can significantly enhance the bond between you and your child. By following your child’s lead and trusting in their ability to heal through play, you can create a nurturing environment where they feel seen, understood, and empowered to grow. The most important ingredient in this process is YOU—your presence, patience, and love will make all the difference. So, get down on the floor with your child, embrace the joy of connection, and embark on this journey of discovery and growth together.

And… if you want the support of a skilled parenting therapist along the way, I am here for you.

Hi! I’m Julie and I’m a Licensed Therapist in California who specializes in relationships, family therapy, and child/adolescent therapy.

Call today to schedule your free consultation!

925-289-8411

Use Drama Therapy to Reduce Drama

Learn to Set Boundaries with Narcissists using the “Grey Rock Method”

For more information on narcissistic abuse, reference this blog written by Mary Eldridge of Pathway to Healing.

When dealing with a narcissist—whether in a personal relationship, at work, or even within your family—it can feel like you’re caught in an endless cycle of manipulation, conflict, and emotional exhaustion. Narcissists often thrive on attention, drama, and control, leaving others feeling drained and powerless. One powerful strategy for managing these interactions is the Grey Rock Method, a technique designed to minimize conflict and protect your emotional well-being. As a drama therapist, I can help you practice and embody this method, using creative and experiential techniques to make it a sustainable part of your life.

What Is the Grey Rock Method?

The Grey Rock Method is a communication strategy used to disengage from interactions with narcissists or toxic individuals. It involves becoming as uninteresting and emotionally unresponsive as possible—essentially like a “grey rock.” This deprives the narcissist of the attention and reaction they crave, discouraging them from continuing their manipulative behaviors. Unlike confrontation or avoidance, this method allows you to remain present in the situation while maintaining emotional boundaries.

Key Principles of the Grey Rock Method:

1. Stay Neutral: Respond to the narcissist without showing emotion or engaging in their attempts to provoke you.

2. Be Brief: Keep your answers short and factual, avoiding unnecessary details or personal information.

3. Avoid Drama: Don’t react to insults, attempts to escalate conflict, or efforts to draw you into an argument.

4. Limit Self-Disclosure: Share as little as possible about your thoughts, feelings, or personal life.

5. Redirect Attention: Shift the focus away from yourself by returning to neutral topics or asking noncommittal questions.

By depriving the narcissist of the emotional engagement they seek, you disrupt their ability to manipulate you. Over time, they may lose interest in trying to provoke or control you, allowing you to reclaim your energy and peace of mind.

The Challenges of Implementing the Grey Rock Method

While the Grey Rock Method is a powerful tool, it isn’t always easy to implement, especially if you have a close relationship with the narcissist. Some common challenges include:

• Emotional Triggers: Narcissists are skilled at pushing buttons and provoking strong emotional reactions. Staying calm and neutral in the face of manipulation can feel impossible at times.

• Guilt or Obligation: You may struggle with feelings of guilt or worry that disengaging makes you seem cold, uncaring, or unkind.

• Breaking Old Patterns: If you’re used to defending yourself, arguing, or trying to reason with the narcissist, shifting to a neutral, detached response can feel unnatural and require practice.

• Sustaining the Strategy: It can be exhausting to maintain the Grey Rock Method consistently, especially in high-conflict situations.

This is where drama therapy can play a transformative role.

How Drama Therapy Supports the Grey Rock Method

Drama therapy is a creative, experiential approach to exploring emotions, relationships, and behavior. It uses techniques like role-playing, improvisation, and embodiment to help clients gain insight, develop new skills, and practice healthier ways of interacting. For individuals who want to implement the Grey Rock Method, working with a drama therapist is a safe, supportive way to experiment with this technique and build skill and confidence in using it effectively.

Here’s how drama therapy can help you practice and refine the Grey Rock Method:

1. Role-Playing Difficult Interactions

One of the strengths of drama therapy is its use of role-play to simulate real-life situations. In a session, we can reenact, or anticipate and rehearse for, difficult conversations or scenarios with the narcissist in your life. By practicing neutral, non-reactive responses in a controlled setting, you’ll build muscle memory and confidence for when these situations arise in the real world. Role-playing also allows us to identify specific triggers or emotional responses that make it hard to stay “grey,” so we can address them directly.

2. Strengthening Emotional Regulation

Through the use of drama therapy, you can develop mindfulness and skill with noticing and managing emotions that arise when dealing with a narcissist, such as anger, frustration, sadness, or fear. The creative expression that can be a part of a drama therapy session, as well as humor, improvisation, and play can allow for the release of these emotions in a constructive way, making it easier to stay calm and composed during actual interactions. Drama therapy can also include the practice of using grounding techniques or rituals that help you stay centered when faced with emotional manipulation.

3. Exploring Personal Narratives

Narcissists often distort reality, making it hard to trust your own perceptions. In drama therapy, we can explore your personal narrative—your truth—and strengthen your sense of self, as well as your voice. A drama therapist is both an ally and a coach in the use of techniques like role playing, storytelling or creating symbolic representations of your experiences that can help you with self-awareness, assertive communication and effective boundaries. The clarity and practice you gain through this work will make it easier to stand firm in your decision to disengage from the narcissist’s provocations.

4. Practicing Boundary-Setting

Setting boundaries is an essential part of the Grey Rock Method, but it can feel uncomfortable or even unsafe if you’re not used to it. In drama therapy, we can practice boundary-setting through improvisation or role-play, experimenting with different ways to say “no,” redirect conversations, or limit self-disclosure. By rehearsing these skills in therapy, you’ll feel more prepared to use them in real life.

5. Building Resilience Through Creativity

Dealing with a narcissist can be draining, so it’s important to cultivate resilience and self-care. Drama therapy taps into your creativity, offering a space to reconnect with your inner strength, joy, and playfulness. Activities like improvisation, expressive movement, or creating a symbolic “shield” can remind you of your capacity to protect yourself and thrive, even in challenging circumstances.

A Path Toward Empowerment

The Grey Rock Method is not about changing or fixing the narcissist—it’s about protecting your own emotional health and reclaiming your power. While it may feel challenging at first, with practice and support, you can master this technique and free yourself from the cycle of conflict and manipulation. As a drama therapist and an expert on codependency and the art of reflective listening, I am the ideal partner to guide you through this process with compassion and creativity. Together, we can explore your unique challenges, practice the skills you need, and build the resilience to navigate even the most difficult relationships. By combining the Grey Rock Method with the transformative tools of drama therapy, you can step into a life of greater peace, strength, and emotional freedom.

Take the First Step

If you’re ready to take control of your interactions with a narcissist and protect your emotional well-being, I invite you to explore the powerful combination of the Grey Rock Method and drama therapy.

Hi! I’m Julie and I’m a Licensed Therapist in California who specializes in relationships, family therapy, and child/adolescent therapy.

Call today to schedule your free consultation!

925-289-8411

Counseling Services Near You: Nationwide Referral List

Mental health is essential to overall well-being, and finding the right therapist can be a crucial step toward achieving a healthier, more balanced life. Navigating the vast array of counseling services available can be overwhelming, but our comprehensive nationwide referral list is here to help. Whether you’re seeking support for anxiety, depression, relationship issues, or any other mental health concern, we have curated a list of effective therapists who provide personalized and compassionate care.

Our goal is to connect you with the best counseling services near you, ensuring that you receive the mental health support you deserve. Each therapist on our list has been carefully vetted for their expertise, approach, and success in helping clients achieve their goals. Explore our referral list and take the first step toward a brighter, more resilient future with the right counseling services by your side.

Julie Weigel, LMFT
Marriage and Family Therapist | Julie Weigel | California

If you struggle with family conflict or parenting challenges, Julie can help. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist serving teens, children, and adults throughout California. For the past 25 years, Julie has worked with children and families in the San Francisco Bay Area (Contra Costa County), primarily in community children’s mental health and private practice in Lafayette. This diverse experience has equipped her to navigate various situations and family dynamics. She is a trauma-informed therapist with a background in children’s mental health, divorce family therapy, and addiction and recovery. 

Julie specializes in family therapy, which includes individual, whole/partial family sessions and couples counseling. However, her greatest strength lies in parenting therapy. Through teaching at Kids Turn (for divorcing families), she gained valuable insights into helping families navigate challenging transitions. She has expertise in complex extended family dynamics, especially those involving special needs, such as autism and behavioral and emotional challenges. 
Julie is particularly passionate about helping parents develop attuned listening skills and implement positive parenting techniques, enabling them to support children with special needs and emotional challenges in becoming more regulated.
She offers evening sessions online, on a private pay basis, and can provide superbills as needed.

Allyson Dennen, MC, LAC
Therapist | Elysian Renewal Counseling and Wellness | Arizona

At Elysian Renewal Counseling and Wellness, Allyson specializes in helping women in Arizona navigate life’s toughest transitions with resilience and clarity. Whether you’re struggling in a difficult marriage, healing after divorce, or balancing the demands of a professional or entrepreneurial life, she will provide a compassionate space where you can find strength, self-trust, and a renewed sense of purpose.

With a warm, client-centered approach, Allyson helps women untangle the emotional weight of their experiences and step into a life that aligns with their values and well-being. Her work is rooted in evidence-based strategies, but above all, she believes in the power of authentic connection and tailored support to guide you toward healing and growth.

If you’re ready to move from overwhelmed to empowered, Allyson would be honored to walk this journey with you.

Erin Pallard, LCSW
Social Worker | Erin Pallard Therapy| Florida

Erin Pallard Therapy creates a safe and empowering space where women can prioritize their well-being and heal from the pain of trauma. Specializing in treating anxiety, complex PTSD (CPTSD), and codependency, our practice supports women navigating challenging life transitions such as divorce or recovering from the effects of narcissistic abuse. Whether you’re struggling with unresolved trauma, persistent anxiety, or the emotional toll of toxic relationships, we are here to help you reconnect with your inner strength and find a path to lasting healing. Offering compassionate therapy both online throughout Florida and in-person in Palm Beach Gardens, Erin Pallard Therapy provides tailored support for women ready to break free from the weight of the past, overcome depression and anxiety, and build a brighter future.

Abbie Anderson, LCSW, LICSW
Social Worker | Authentic Healing Counseling Services, PLLC | North Dakota and Minnesota

Abbie Anderson from Authentic Healing Counseling Services, PLLC, works with individuals who have lived through some challenging experiences and continue to be haunted by them today, resulting in continuously feeling overwhelmed, stuck, disconnected, and often asking yourself questions like “What’s wrong with me?” Well, you don’t have to feel this way anymore. Abbie can help you uncover what’s holding you back, find clarity and balance, and empower you to find your true self. You deserve to live a life where the past no longer feels in control –where fear, shame, and feeling disconnected don’t overshadow your present. Through trauma and/or dissociation therapy, we can get you to a point where you feel peaceful, grounded, and in control.

Margot Holloman, PhD
Psychologist |Beginning to Bloom| North Carolina and 42 PsyPact States

Dr. Margot Holloman at Beginning to Bloom specializes in working with women at all stages of motherhood, from deciding to have children to pregnancy and postpartum issues, moms struggling to manage toddlers, preschoolers, school-aged, middle, or high schoolers, and mothers who are facing an empty nest and trying to decide what is next.

Margot helps moms heal from the lasting impact of a painful childhood and recover from post-partum depression, anxiety, and ADHD. She also works with moms who feel overwhelmed and are struggling with grief, loss, and self-doubt. 

She supports moms balancing their family and work needs yet still find something left for themselves. Margot empowers moms at all stages of motherhood to heal, grow, and transform their lives into what they’ve yearned for while guiding them to become the kind of parent they aspire to be. Through skill-building, emotional validation, and creating space for healing, they will feel seen, capable, and inspired to develop the relationships and the life they desire. After therapy, moms who work with Margot feel calmer, more confident, and more deeply connected to themself and others.

Kristen Hanisch, MSW, LCSW
Social Worker | Hanisch Counseling Services | New Jersey, Florida, Vermont

Kristen Hanisch from Hanisch Counseling Services specializes in helping teens who are struggling with anxiety, low self-esteem, or overwhelming emotions. As a parent, it’s hard to watch your teen feel stuck, second-guess themselves, or avoid the things that bring them joy. Using evidence-based approaches like EMDR, Kristen works with teens to help them build confidence, feel more in control, and learn healthy ways to manage their emotions. With her approachable and effective therapy, Kristen empowers teens to overcome anxiety and self-doubt so they can thrive—and she keeps parents involved every step of the way to create lasting, positive change at home.

Kelley Molinari, LMFT
Grief and Life Transitions Therapist | Molinari Family Therapy | Utah and Washington

Whether your loss is new or you’ve been carrying its weight for years, Kelley is your light in the darkness and can help you find your footing. She created the Brief Grief model, which enables you to find meaning after loss or significant life transitions in a shorter time than traditional therapy. Her warm, caring nature is balanced with inspiration and lightheartedness to help you honor your loved ones and create lifelong peace and purpose.

Mary Eldridge (she/ella), LISW, LCSW, LICSW

Social Worker | Pathway to Healing Counseling Service | Iowa, Washington, Wisconsin

 As an English-Spanish speaking BIPOC trauma therapist, Mary Eldridge at Pathway to Healing Counseling Service provides a safe and supportive space where adults can explore their experiences and work towards healing. Pathway to Healing Counseling Service offers online trauma therapy all across the states of Iowa, Washington, and Wisconsin.

Mary’s expertise lies in addressing trauma related to interpersonal violence, and has a deep understanding of the unique challenges faced by the BIPOC and immigrant communities, college students, first responders, and healthcare workers. To support individuals seeking services, Mary offers EMDR and therapy intensives as alternatives to the typical talk- therapy sessions based on the client’s preferences and interests.

Mary is dedicated to empowering her clients to navigate their journey to healing in ways that align with their needs and goals. Through a client-centered approach, Mary tailors her therapeutic techniques to meet the specific needs of each individual. Her values to providing online therapy are: trauma-informed care, unconditional positive regard, multi-cultural care, anti-oppression, and strengths-based with an approach that is rooted in compassion and understanding, aimed at empowering her clients to embark on a journey of healing and self-discovery.

Sarah Jones, LCSW

Social Worker | The Healing Mind Therapy Co. LLC | California & Idaho

At the Healing Mind, Sarah specializes in helping moms and women manage anxiety, stress, and boost their self-esteem. Whether you’re struggling with intrusive thoughts, overwhelmed feelings, engaging in people pleasing behaviors, or having difficulties with boundaries and communication, she will provide an empowering space for you to build emotional freedom. 

With a compassionate approach, Sarah focuses on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and works with clients to discover how their thought and behavioral patterns lead to challenging emotions. She strives to empower clients in understanding these patterns to not only manage anxiety, but to understand it and truly heal. 

It's time to gain a deeper understanding of your behavior, elevate your self-esteem, and take full control of your life.  Let's heal the mind together!

Akeem Jones, CHt

Certified Hypnotherapist | The Healing Mind Therapy Co. LLC | California & Idaho

At the Healing Mind, Akeem specializes in helping military, veterans, and first responders in managing anxiety, stress, and boosting self-esteem. Whether you’re struggling with restlessness, distressing memories, intrusive thoughts, irritability, he will provide successful tools to break free from these symptoms. 

With a unique understanding of military culture, Akeem uses both personal and professional knowledge to utilize hypnotherapy in effective ways for this community. He strives to empower clients to learn hypnosis so that they can continue to find benefit long-term. 

It’s time to overcome the barriers that limit your life. Emotional freedom is possible! 

Courtney Moore, MSW, LCSW

Social Worker | Mind Body Soul Healing and Wellness | California & Washington State

Courtney Moore at Mind Body Soul Healing and Wellness specializes in working with adult women struggling with anxiety, stress, and overwhelm. Courtney helps women reconnect with their body through embodied healing. Her approach integrates somatic tools, mindfulness, CBT, DBT, and nervous system regulation to support women in cultivating self-awareness, emotional balance, and inner peace. By guiding women to tune into their body’s wisdom, women uncover and release stored tension, break patterns of overwhelm, and create a more grounded resilient sense of self. She can support you whether you are seeking relief from anxiety or longing for deeper connection with yourself and others, Courtney provides a compassionate space for transformative healing.  She is available for women residing in California and Washington State. 

Laurie White, LSCSW, Anxiety Coach

Social Worker | Laurie White Counseling | Kansas & Missouri

At Laurie White Counseling, Laurie supports high-achieving professional women who feel stuck in cycles of anxiety, overthinking, perfectionism, and self-sabotage. Whether you’re juggling the pressures of a demanding career, navigating significant life transitions, or simply exhausted from always holding it all together, Laurie offers a calm, compassionate space to breathe, reset, and reconnect with who you are beneaththe stress.

With a warm, down-to-earth style and a mix of evidence-based tools and real-life strategies, Laurie helps women build self-trust, let go of unrealistic expectations, and create lives rooted in clarity, confidence, and alignment. Her approach blends therapeutic insight with coaching-style forward momentum—so you not only heal but grow.

If you’re ready to stop overthinking and start living with more ease and intention, Laurie would be honored to walk beside you.  

Lesley Bittner, LCSW, LISW, CCTP

Social Worker | The Sane Shop | Pennsylvania, Ohio, North Carolina, South Carolina

To the teens feeling pressure to mask who you are, to the women overwhelmed by emotions, tough relationships, to survivors of trauma—you’re not alone. Your experience is important. You deserve support. I help neurodivergent teens and Gen Z/Millennial women who feel stuck, anxious, burnt out, or unsure of how to move forward. Whether you’re dealing with mood swings, social struggles, anxiety, or the weight of past experiences, we’ll work together to build healthier coping tools, improve communication, and help you feel more grounded, empowered, and connected to your most authentic self—without having to pretend or shrink yourself.  Together, I'll help you build a toolbox of skills to manage anxiety, regulate emotions, and heal from past wounds, empowering you to live in a more fulfilling way.  It's scary to step out of your comfort zone, get into your feels, and/or address past trauma. You owe it to yourself to accept help, though. Seriously! It's vital to me that you find our therapy sessions to be nonjudgmental, welcoming, and worth the time. If you're ready to wade through the heavy stuff, I'm here to walk with you to find lightness again.  You'll leave sessions with clear-cut coping strategies to use in your daily life. It's important to me that you feel like you can walk away from the session with something of value to take with you. (This can be empowering to know you have skills to reference when we're not together.) I'm excited to help you!

Hi! I’m Julie and I’m a Licensed Therapist in California who specializes in relationships, family therapy, and child/adolescent therapy.

Call today to schedule your free consultation!

925-289-8411

Drama Therapy: A Powerful Approach for Teens in Online Therapy

In today's fast-paced, technology-driven world, the importance of mental health support for teenagers cannot be overstated. As families navigate the challenges of modern life, many teens experience feelings of anxiety, depression, and social isolation. One innovative therapeutic approach that has gained traction is drama therapy. This method is “the intentional use of drama and theatre processes to achieve therapeutic goals”.

My training toward becoming a marriage and family therapist (someone who specializes in helping individuals, families, and couples resolve emotional, psychological, and relational conflicts) was entirely based in the use of drama therapy methods.

Therefore, I hold a unique background that allows me to effectively integrate creative techniques into my practice. Because of this unique blend of training, the therapy I provide is not only more engaging, but also deeply impactful. With my practice now strictly online, I have brought with me all the play and theory that lies at the heart of drama therapy to help adolescents, children, parents, and families resolve conflict and heal from trauma in their relationships.

What is Drama Therapy?

Drama therapy is a form of expressive therapy that harnesses the power of performance arts to facilitate healing and personal growth. Drama therapists draw from drama activities, including role-playing, storytelling, and improvisation—as a means for clients to explore their thoughts and feelings in a safe environment. Play and humor are also incorporated with intention. These, and other methods can be a way to bypass the self-criticism that is sometimes an automatic gatekeeper that guards against the vulnerability that comes with the truth.

Drama therapy is particularly effective for teenagers dealing with mental health and behavioral concerns, as it allows them to express emotions that may be difficult to articulate verbally. The primary goal of drama therapy is to provide a creative outlet for individuals living with psychological suffering, impaired relationships, or distress in daily activities. Through the imaginative process, teens can gain insights into their emotions, behaviors, and relationships, ultimately fostering resilience and growth.

The Role of an Online Teen Therapist

As a certified mental health professional, my role as an online teen therapist involves creating a supportive and engaging environment for teenagers to explore their feelings through drama therapy. My qualifications and experience in marriage and family therapy enable me to understand the complexities of family dynamics and the unique challenges that teens face.

Conducting therapy online offers several advantages. It provides accessibility for families who may have difficulty attending in-person sessions due to distance, scheduling conflicts, or other barriers. Additionally, the comfort of being in their own home can help teens feel more at ease, allowing for a more open and honest therapeutic process. The flexibility in scheduling also accommodates busy family lives, making it easier for parents to prioritize their teenagers' mental health.

How Drama Therapy Works Online

In an online therapy setting, I employ a range of methods to create an immersive and engaging experience for teen clients, including both somatic approaches and Internal Family Systems (IFS) parts work. During sessions, I often employ role-playing exercises that encourage teens to explore and express as yet undiscovered parts of themselves. This process enables them to develop these parts through embodied enactments, fostering a deeper understanding of their emotions and experiences, with the eventual goal of integrating these parts into a more expansive “role repertoire” within their social world.

Drama therapists are particularly skilled at noticing subtle cues from the body and voice, which can reveal feelings that have bypassed the client’s conscious awareness. By paying attention to these clues, we can address underlying emotions and facilitate healing. Additionally, we incorporate movement, breath, and dialogue as essential components of the therapy. These elements serve as rehearsals for change and growth, promoting assertive communication and enhancing the teen's capacity to interact more expansively with themselves and the world around them. This holistic approach allows teens to not only gain perspective on their emotions but also practice coping strategies and develop new ways of relating to themselves and others in a safe and supportive environment.

Benefits of Online Drama Therapy for Teens

The benefits of drama therapy are numerous, particularly in an online setting. Here are some of the key advantages:

1. Enhances Creativity and Self-Expression: Drama therapy encourages teens to tap into their imagination, allowing them to express themselves in ways that traditional talk therapy may not facilitate. Through creative activities, teens can explore different facets of their identity and emotions.

2. Builds Emotional Awareness and Coping Skills: Engaging in drama therapy helps teens recognize and understand their feelings, promoting emotional intelligence. As they navigate characters and scenarios, they learn to identify their emotions and develop healthy coping strategies for managing them.

3. Fosters Communication and Social Skills: Drama therapy often involves collaboration and teamwork, which can enhance teens' communication skills. This is especially beneficial for those who struggle with social interactions, as they can practice these skills in a supportive setting.

4. Encourages Family Involvement: Online drama therapy can involve the whole family, creating opportunities for shared experiences and bonding. By participating in therapeutic activities together, families can strengthen their relationships and work through conflicts in a constructive manner.

Success Stories and Testimonials

The effectiveness of drama therapy is evident in the success stories of the teenagers and families I have worked with. For example, one young client who struggled with social anxiety found tremendous relief through role-playing exercises. By acting out social scenarios, she gradually became more comfortable interacting with her peers and expressing her feelings. Another family I worked with experienced significant improvements in their communication after engaging in the assertive and respectful communication exercises that began in our individual sessions through the use of improvised assertiveness role playing. They learned to express their emotions in a supportive environment, ultimately leading to a deeper understanding of one another and a stronger family bond. Teenagers in later stages of therapy have noted hardly recognizing their earlier insecure selves, as these new styles of interacting with others, a result of our sessions, becomes so integral to who they are. I also use role-playing methods when working with parents who are interested in the development of listening skills, and other positive parenting skills.

Conclusion

Incorporating drama therapy into online teen therapy provides a unique and effective approach to addressing the mental health needs of teenagers. This innovative method fosters creativity, emotional awareness, and communication skills, ultimately helping teens navigate their feelings and relationships more effectively. As a certified marriage and family therapist specializing in helping families and couples resolve emotional, psychological, and relational conflicts, I invite parents to consider the benefits of online drama therapy for their teenagers. Together, we can embark on a journey of healing and growth, utilizing the power of drama to create a brighter future.

If you believe that your teenager could benefit from an engaging and creative therapeutic approach, I encourage you to reach out. Let’s explore the possibilities of online drama therapy together and take the first step towards emotional well-being for your teenager and family. You can contact me at 925-289-8411, or simply click here, to reach out for a free consultation in order to ask any questions you may have. Together, we can make a difference!

Hi! I’m Julie and I’m a Licensed Therapist in California who specializes in relationships, family therapy, and child/adolescent therapy.

Call today to schedule your free consultation!

925-289-8411

What to Expect From Online Drama Therapy

In the ever-evolving landscape of mental health care, drama therapy has emerged as a unique and effective approach to healing. One might expect that using drama in therapy would require an in person setting, but the creativity that underlies the very essence of this approach provides for a limitless supply of effective modifications. It is not only possible to experience drama therapy from the comfort of your own home, but in some cases, it may even be preferable.

For clients considering online sessions with a drama therapist, understanding what to expect can significantly enhance their experience. This blog aims to provide a comprehensive overview of the dynamics of online drama therapy

sessions, emphasizing the therapeutic benefits, tools used, and the overall process.

What is Drama Therapy?

Unlike traditional talk therapy, drama therapy is an expressive therapy that uses performance arts to facilitate personal growth and promote mental health. It involves the use of drama and theater techniques to help individuals express their feelings, develop insights, and work through personal issues in a safe and supportive environment. Among other avenues for self-expression, drama therapy may include role-play, storytelling, or movement. Through these methods, clients can explore their emotions and experiences, leading to improved self-awareness and emotional well-being. This approach can be particularly beneficial for those who find it challenging to articulate their emotions verbally. It can also facilitate emotional honesty by facilitating the bypassing of the conscious mind that can limit self-expression out of fear.

The Online Therapy Environment

With advancements in technology, drama therapy has transitioned to a virtual format, enabling clients to engage in therapeutic practices from the comfort of their homes. Online drama therapy sessions are conducted via video conferencing platforms, offering a safe space for clients to express themselves and connect with their therapist.

1. Comfort and Safety: One of the primary advantages of online therapy is the comfort of your own environment. Clients can choose a space that feels safe and private, which can enhance openness and willingness to engage in the therapeutic process.

2. Accessibility: Online sessions eliminate geographical barriers within the state of California, allowing clients located in California to access specialized drama therapists throughout the state. This increased accessibility is crucial for those in remote areas or with mobility challenges.

What to Expect in an Online Drama Therapy Session

1. Initial Consultation: Like with talk therapy, the first session typically involves an initial consultation, where the therapist gathers information about the client’s background, goals, and any specific issues they wish to address. This helps to establish rapport and a sense of trust.

2. Setting Goals: Together, the therapist and client will outline the objectives of therapy. The goals in drama therapy are typically the same as they are in talk therapy. These can range from improving emotional expression to developing coping strategies for anxiety or depression.

3. Creative Techniques: Online drama therapy utilizes various creative and embodied techniques. Since drama therapists are trained in the use of these techniques, they are comfortable in guiding you (often by their example or through joining you), so you don’t have to worry about feeling awkward.  Some of the techniques drama therapists use include:

• Role-Playing: When you enact another person’s role in an interaction, you understand them in a way that would not be possible through talking about their perspective or imagining it. Clients may be invited to speak as if they were another person or join the therapist in acting out scenarios that reflect their personal struggles or relationships. This can provide insights into their feelings and behaviors. Participation in role playing can also increase one’s comfort with assertive communication or capacity to embody unfamiliar or intimidating roles in relationships or at work. You might even find yourself being directed to interact with an object that you select to represent something or someone from your life, in order to better understand your relationship with it/them. Through this technique, you can learn more about yourself and can develop increased confidence.

• Storytelling: Clients can share personal narratives, either through direct storytelling or by creating fictional characters that represent aspects of their lives. This technique fosters self-reflection and can reveal underlying themes. The stories we tell ourselves about our experiences color how we view these experiences. You might find that experimenting with the variations on stories and perspectives can shift your experience in surprising and transformative ways. Again, your drama therapist is trained in these methods and will guide you skillfully and confidently through the activities.

• Movement and Gesture: Even in an online setting, therapists may encourage clients to incorporate movement and gesture into their expressions. This could involve using their whole body to express emotions or embody real people, fictitious characters, or even attitudes or moods. Through the experience of doing and rehearsing change, you are one step closer to actually changing habits than if you simply talk about or imagine this.

1. Feedback and Reflection: After engaging in creative activities, the therapist may facilitate discussions to reflect on the experience. This feedback loop can be helpful in processing emotions and can also provide insight into thoughts and feelings.

2. Homework Assignments: Therapists may assign creative homework, encouraging clients to engage in drama-related activities outside of sessions. This could involve practicing behaviors rehearsed in sessions, or even writing a monologue, creating a character, or engaging in physical movement exercises.

3. Continual Support: Throughout the therapy process, clients can expect ongoing support and validation from their therapist. This nurturing environment is vital for fostering trust and encouraging deeper exploration of emotions.

Benefits of Online Drama Therapy

1. Enhanced Self-Expression: The use of drama and creative arts allows clients to express emotions that may be difficult to articulate verbally. This can lead to breakthroughs in understanding and acceptance of their feelings.

2. Building Connection: Engaging in role-play and storytelling can help clients feel more connected to themselves and others. This connection is crucial for healing and personal growth.

3. Skill Development: Clients often develop valuable skills such as empathy, communication, and problem-solving through drama therapy techniques. These skills can be applied to various aspects of their lives, enhancing overall well-being.

4. Flexibility: Online sessions offer flexibility in scheduling and format, allowing clients to engage in therapy at their convenience. This adaptability can reduce barriers to participation and encourage consistent attendance.

Conclusion

Online drama therapy presents a unique opportunity for clients to engage in therapeutic practices that harness the power of creativity and self-expression. By understanding what to expect from their sessions, clients can approach this form of therapy with confidence and openness. Whether you are seeking to explore your emotions, develop new coping strategies, or simply gain a deeper understanding of yourself, working with a drama therapist can be a transformative experience. Embrace the journey of self-discovery and healing through the dynamic medium of drama therapy, and remember that your story is worth telling.

Hi! I’m Julie and I’m a Licensed Therapist in California who specializes in relationships, family therapy, and child/adolescent therapy.

Call today to schedule your free consultation!

925-289-8411

Overlaps Between Child Therapy, Parenting Therapy, and Couples Counseling

Parents seek child therapy for a variety of reasons. Most commonly, there is a concern about behavioral issues or emotional distress that are affecting the child's daily life, such as anxiety, depression, or difficulties in social interactions. Parents may notice changes in their child's behavior, such as increased withdrawal, distress, disrespect, irritability, or academic struggles, prompting them to seek professional help.

Another reason parents seek child therapy is the challenge they experience with parenting a child who has special needs or mental health issues. This responsibility can be overwhelming and can lead to feelings of inadequacy or frustration, making it essential for parents to seek therapy not only for their child but also for support in navigating their own emotional responses. Parents sometimes seek child therapy when they notice that their child's issues are impacting family dynamics. Ultimately, the decision to seek child therapy stems from a place of love and concern, as parents strive to ensure their child's happiness and success.

There is a complex connection between the well-being of a child and the dynamics of the family unit. In child therapy, the focus is primarily on the individual child's emotional and behavioral health, addressing specific challenges they may face. In parenting therapy parents are equipped with the tools and strategies they need to support their child effectively, while also addressing their own emotional responses to parenting challenges. In family therapy, the overall dynamics in the family are the focus. Family therapy can involve the whole family, a subsection of the family (eg. parents, parent/child, both parents/child, siblings), or varying groups/individuals. This can be complicated, but the therapist will assess your needs and advise you, in coordination with your own insights and preferences.

When seeking child therapy, the parents usually meet first with the therapist. As they address the child's needs, parents can gain insights into their own parenting styles and learn effective ways to support their child's development. When parents come together to discuss their child's needs, behaviors, and challenges in therapy, they are guided through discussions about discipline, emotional support, and developmental strategies. They learn specific parenting skills like effective parenting techniques for anxious children and receive coaching in the practice of these techniques. Sometimes the development of a common parenting strategy and practice with skills and mutual support is enough to resolve any couple challenges that have developed around the parenting issues.

These insights can lead to deeper conversations about the couple's relationship, prompting them to explore how their parenting roles impact their emotional connection. The couple may opt to work with the provider to resolve these in couples sessions. There might be a dual focus (parenting and couple dynamics) that can help create a more supportive home environment, where both the child and parents can thrive. When no longer a couple, coparents may opt to use the therapist to facilitate coparenting dynamics that impact their child. These may revolve around differing parenting styles and communication patterns that are creating tension in the coparenting relationship.

Sometimes issues with family dynamics are uncovered and take priority. Difficulties with increased tension in the household or conflict between siblings can lead parents to contact a professional. In this case, the therapist would likely start with the parents alone, but may suggest family therapy. You may wonder what is meant by “family therapy” and assume that the whole family must attend. Family therapy can involve the whole family or a subsection your therapist can assess further and advise you regardin the best approach. When a subsection of the family is the focus, this might be the parents alone, the child and one or more parents, or a sibling group. Parent/child or whole family sessions can provide a child with the opportunity for more open communication, as the therapist can lend a feeling of safety to the interaction.

In many cases, parenting sessions can serve as a critical gateway to couples counseling, revealing underlying dynamics that may not have been previously addressed. By recognizing the interplay between parenting challenges and relational dynamics, therapists can facilitate a smooth transition into couples counseling, where partners can work collaboratively to improve not only their parenting but also their overall relationship satisfaction. This integrated approach allows couples to build a stronger foundation, enabling them to support each other as co-parents while also nurturing their partnership.

Couples' counseling traditionally delves into the relationship between partners, but can be expanded in order to explore communication styles and emotional connections impact parenting practices. By acknowledging these overlaps, therapists can create a more holistic treatment approach that engages the entire family system, fostering collaboration among parents and promoting a supportive environment for the child's growth and development. This interconnected approach not only addresses the child's needs but also strengthens the couple's relationship, ultimately benefiting the entire family.

The stress of raising a child with special needs is often shared between partners but experienced very differently. One parent may take on the role of the primary caregiver, while the other might feel sidelined, leading to feelings of resentment and inadequacy. This dynamic can create a cycle where both partners feel unsupported or misunderstood, leading to emotional isolation. Another possibility is that the stress of parenting can exacerbate pre-existing issues within the relationship.

Couples may find themselves arguing more frequently, not just about parenting strategies but also about seemingly trivial matters, as the underlying stress manifests in various ways. The weight of constant worry can lead to burnout, making it difficult for couples to connect emotionally, which is critical for maintaining a healthy relationship.

Couples counseling can play a pivotal role in helping partners navigate these challenges effectively. A trained couples counselor can facilitate communication, allowing both partners to express their feelings and concerns in a safe and supportive environment. This open dialogue is essential for understanding each other’s perspectives, especially in a situation where one partner may feel overwhelmed by caregiving responsibilities while the other may feel excluded from the parenting process.

In addition to improving communication, couples counselors can provide valuable tools and strategies for effective co-parenting. They can help couples or co-parents establish a shared parenting vision, which is crucial when raising a child with special needs. This shared vision can serve as a guiding principle for decision-making, ensuring that both parents feel involved and valued in their child's life. Counselors can assist in creating a parenting plan that outlines each partner's roles and responsibilities, taking into account their individual strengths and weaknesses. This approach not only clarifies expectations but also helps to minimize the potential for conflict over parenting decisions.

Couples counseling can provide a space for partners to express their fears and concerns about their child’s future. These conversations can be challenging, but they are essential for couples to feel aligned in their parenting journey. More importantly, it can also be a place to step away from the day to day stress and have planning discussions about goals and the larger vision of the development of desired qualities in, and outcomes for, your child.  A counselor can guide these discussions in a constructive manner, helping parents to articulate their hopes and fears without judgment. By addressing these feelings together, a sense of partnership and solidarity can be fostered, which is vital for navigating the complexities of parenting a child with special needs.

When parenting sessions become  couples counseling, it can empower partners to view their parenting journey as a united front rather than an individual battle. As they learn to communicate more effectively, manage stress, and foster a deeper connection, couples can enhance their parenting success and relationship satisfaction. By approaching the challenges of raising a child with special needs collaboratively, couples not only improve their chances of providing the best possible support for their child but also strengthen their bond as partners. It is essential for couples parenting a child with special needs to recognize that they are not alone. Seeking the help of a couples counselor is a proactive step toward building a resilient partnership that can thrive amidst the challenges of parenting. With the right tools and support, couples can transform their parenting experience and cultivate a loving, supportive environment for their child and for each other.

Regardless of the reason parents seek therapy for a child, engaging in the process of working with a professional can help to restore harmony in the family by uncovering the hurts and disappointments, while learning the most effective strategies to restore harmony in the family. The journey may hold some surprises, but the outcome will be well worth it.

Hi! I’m Julie and I’m a Licensed Therapist in California who specializes in relationships, family therapy, and child/adolescent therapy.

Call today to schedule your free consultation!

925-289-8411

Why It Is Important That Parents Not Support Compulsions in Anxious Children

Raising a child with anxiety, especially when they exhibit compulsive behaviors, can be challenging for parents. While it may seem compassionate to accommodate these compulsions to ease distress, doing so can reinforce anxiety and hinder the child’s ability to manage their emotions effectively. Instead, parents can help their children confront and challenge these compulsions, fostering resilience and healthier coping mechanisms.

Understanding Anxiety and Compulsions

Anxiety is a normal response to stress, but when it becomes overwhelming, it may lead to compulsive behaviors. These are repetitive actions that a child feels compelled to perform in order to alleviate their anxiety, such as checking locks repeatedly or following strict routines. While these behaviors can provide temporary relief, they create a cycle that can be difficult to break, and result in more anxiety over time.

Compulsions often arise from irrational fears and obsessive thoughts, distorting a child's perception of reality. For instance, a child might feel that if they don’t perform a specific ritual, something bad will happen. This belief can increase their reliance on compulsive behaviors and deepen their anxiety.

The Impact of Parents Accommodating Children’s Compulsions

Accommodating a child’s compulsions can have negative consequences. When parents support these behaviors, they may unintentionally reinforce the idea that these actions are necessary for safety and comfort, making it harder for the child to learn to cope independently.

This codependent relationship between parents and children around these compulsions can worsen feelings of helplessness in both the child and the parents. Children may feel incapable of managing their anxiety without their compulsions, as well as resentful of any external attempts to stop the compulsions. Parents may feel equally overwhelmed and unsure of how to help. They may be inconsistent in their responses. This tension can make it challenging to strike a balance between providing support and encouraging healthier coping mechanisms.

The Weight of Parental Example

Children learn by observing and listening to their parents. When parents display a pattern of anxious behaviors or rely on avoidance strategies, children may internalize these patterns. They may come to believe that anxiety is best managed through compulsions or avoidance, making it even harder for them to confront their fears. Parents also inadvertently reinforce avoidance behaviors in children by conveying that challenges and distress are impossible to tolerate. 

The Role of Parents in Challenging Compulsions

Building distress tolerance—the ability to tolerate uncomfortable feelings without acting on them—is essential for helping children manage anxiety. Parents are uniquely positioned to influence children, but they must first notice and tolerate their own distress in response to the child’s anxiety/compulsions. Here are some strategies parents can use to help children tolerate distress and reduce reliance on compulsions:

1. Normalize Anxiety: Help children understand that anxiety is a common experience. When they realize that everyone feels anxious sometimes, they may feel less isolated and more willing to confront their own feelings.

2. Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness exercises can help children focus on the present and regulate their emotions. Parents can model these techniques, suggest them when the child is desperate for strategies, and use attuned listening to create a supportive environment where children can express feelings and feel loved.

3. Gradual Exposure: Introduce small challenges (exposures) that allow children to successfully tolerate discomfort in small amounts without resorting to compulsive behaviors. For example, if a child fears speaking in front of others, start by encouraging them to speak to a family member before gradually increasing the audience size.

4. Reinforce Positive Coping: As children increase their capacity to tolerate distress, celebrate their successes and point out how they had managed their feelings. These examples of success can be linked to positive qualities parents see in children.

5. Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries regarding compulsive behaviors. While empathy is important, allowing a child to dictate their compulsions can lead to increased anxiety. Encourage them to face their fears without resorting to compulsive actions.

6. Avoid rescuing: Practice mindfulness about thoughts and feelings in response to children’s anxiety and use deliberate strategies such as reminding themselves that children are capable of meeting increasing amounts of challenge and will only become stronger through practice.

7. Encourage Gradual Exposure: Help children gradually confront their fears through exposure techniques. For instance, if a child frequently checks locks, encourage them to wait longer before checking, increasing the time as they become more comfortable.

8. Teach Coping Strategies: Equip children with tools to manage anxiety without relying on compulsions. Techniques such as deep breathing, mindfulness, and positive self-talk can empower them to challenge anxious thoughts.

9. Model Healthy Behavior: Parents should demonstrate healthy coping strategies. If a parent faces stress, showing how they cope through exercise or meditation can provide children with examples of effective strategies.

10. Seek Professional Help: In many cases, the guidance of a mental health professional can be invaluable. Therapists can work with families to develop tailored strategies for addressing specific compulsions and anxieties.

Building Resilience Through Challenges

Challenging compulsions is not just about reducing anxiety; it’s about building resilience. When children learn to confront their fears and manage anxiety without relying on compulsive behaviors, they develop a sense of agency and confidence. This process is empowering and helps them understand that they can navigate their emotions and challenges.

Encouraging children to face their fears also fosters problem-solving skills. As they encounter challenges and learn to cope, they gain valuable experiences that apply to various aspects of their lives, leading to a more positive self-image.

The Importance of Parental Support

As you challenge your child’s compulsions, it’s important to provide unwavering support by letting children know they are not alone in facing their fears. This can reduce their feelings of isolation and anxiety. Supporting children without buying into the notion that their feared feelings and distress are to be avoided. Celebrate their small victories and acknowledge the courage it takes to confront fears. Convey the idea that progress is a journey.

Remind yourself that patience is crucial, since breaking the cycle of compulsive behavior can take time, and setbacks are a normal part of the process. By remaining supportive and understanding, parents can help their children navigate these challenges with compassion. Children will learn through your confidence in this approach that it holds value. They will follow your example.

The parent’s role in guiding children around anxiety is critical

Supporting an anxious child can be a delicate balancing act, especially with compulsive behaviors involved. While it may seem compassionate to accommodate these compulsions, it’s essential for parents to guide their children in challenging them. By setting boundaries, encouraging gradual exposure, teaching coping strategies, modeling healthy behavior, and seeking professional help, parents can empower their children to face their fears.

Together, they can navigate the complexities of anxiety, emerging stronger and more connected as a family. Challenging compulsions is about equipping children with the skills they need to thrive in the face of challenges throughout their lives.

If you find yourself struggling to support your anxious child while managing their compulsions, consider seeking parenting therapy. As a qualified child, family, and parenting therapist, I can provide tailored insights and strategies for your family’s unique needs, and help create an environment that promotes growth and resilience.

I am able to teach and facilitate skills development and confidence in parents toward the goal of soothing anxiety through conveying compassion and validation. At the same time, I will be guiding you to slowly increase your child’s distress tolerance through gradually facing increasing levels of challenge related to their fears. I am both compassionate and direct when it comes to helping parents identify and avoid supporting avoidance behaviors that only become worse when a parent conveys their own avoidance of the distress the child experiences. 

Don’t hesitate to reach out—support is available, and you don’t have to face this journey alone!

Hi! I’m Julie and I’m a Licensed Therapist in California who specializes in relationships, family therapy, and child/adolescent therapy.

Call today to schedule your free consultation!

925-289-8411

Why Drama Therapists Are Particularly Skilled at Using the Internal Family Systems Model of Therapy

Therapy has evolved significantly over the years, with various modalities emerging to address the complexities of the human experience. Among these approaches, Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy has gained considerable attention for its unique way of understanding the mind. This model views the mind as a system of different parts, each with its own perspective, memories, and roles. In this way, the depth and breadth of inner experience can be explored and interpersonal relationship skills enhanced. Drama Therapy, which is defined as “the intentional use of drama and/or theater processes to achieve therapeutic goals” is both active and experiential. Drama therapists are trained in performance and storytelling, as well as therapy. Training in drama therapy involves extensive experiential practice of these embodied methods of externalization and enactment of inner roles and parts of the psyche. When these two modalities intersect, drama therapists become uniquely equipped to implement the IFS model effectively.

The Healing Power of Role-Playing in Drama Therapy

At the core of drama therapy is the use of role-playing, a powerful tool that allows individuals to explore and express their emotions, thoughts, and experiences in an imaginative and safe environment. Through role-playing, clients can step into different characters or situations, offering them a unique perspective on their life challenges. This process can be transformative, as it enables individuals to externalize their internal conflicts and gain insights into their feelings and behaviors.

Role-playing serves as a bridge between reality and imagination, allowing clients to experiment with new responses to old patterns. For example, a client might role-play a difficult conversation they need to have with a loved one, exploring various outcomes and practicing their responses. This rehearsal can reduce anxiety and build confidence, making it easier to navigate real-life interactions.

Drama therapists expertly guide clients through this process, helping them choose roles that resonate with their experiences. By embodying different aspects of themselves or others, clients can gain a deeper understanding of their motivations, fears, and desires. This exploration fosters empathy not only for themselves but also for others involved in their narratives, paving the way for healing and reconciliation.

Understanding Internal Family Systems (IFS)

Before exploring the connection between drama therapy and IFS, it's essential to understand what IFS entails. Developed by Richard Schwartz in the 1980s, IFS posits that our psyche is made up of distinct parts, often categorized into three main types: Exiles, Managers, and Firefighters.

• Exiles are parts that hold pain, fear, and trauma, often pushed away to protect the self from emotional distress.

• Managers are protective parts that attempt to control the environment and maintain safety, often through perfectionism, criticism, or avoidance.

• Firefighters emerge in times of crisis to distract from emotional pain, often through impulsive or self-destructive behaviors.

The goal of IFS therapy is to help individuals access their Self—an inner state of calm, clarity, and compassion—and promote harmony among these parts. This model allows for a nuanced exploration of personality and emotional struggles, making it a powerful tool for healing.

The Role of Drama Therapy

Drama therapy is an expressive form of therapy that uses theatrical techniques to promote emotional growth and personal insight. By engaging in role-play, improvisation, and storytelling, clients can externalize their thoughts and feelings, allowing for a greater understanding of their internal world. Drama therapists create a safe environment where participants can explore their identity, relationships, and emotional challenges through the lens of performance.

The Synergy of Drama Therapy and IFS

1. Embodying Parts: One of the most significant advantages drama therapists have when working with IFS is their ability to embody different parts. Through role-play, a drama therapist can help clients personify their Exiles, Managers, and Firefighters. This embodiment allows clients to experience their parts in a tangible way, leading to deeper insights and understanding. By acting out these parts, clients can explore their emotions, motivations, and fears in a safe, supportive environment.

2. Creating Safe Spaces: Drama therapy inherently fosters a safe space for exploration and expression. This is crucial when working with IFS, as many Exiles hold deep-seated trauma and pain. Drama therapists are trained to create an environment where clients feel secure enough to explore their vulnerable parts without judgment. The therapist demonstrates comfort with embodied performance, play, and being silly. The performance aspect can also help to distance the client from their pain, making it easier to address difficult emotions.

3. Facilitating Dialogue: A core component of IFS therapy is fostering dialogue among the different parts. Drama therapists excel at facilitating these conversations through improvisation and role-play exercises. By allowing clients to act out dialogues between their parts, therapists can guide them in understanding the dynamics at play within their internal system. This can lead to breakthroughs in communication and understanding between parts that may be in conflict.

4. Enhancing Creativity: Creativity is a natural aspect of drama therapy, and it can be a powerful tool in IFS work. Engaging in creative expression allows clients to explore new ways of thinking and feeling about their parts. For instance, a client might create a character representing their critical Manager and then explore that character's motivations and fears through improvisation. This creative outlet can lead to new insights and perspectives that traditional talk therapy may not elicit.

5. Building Empathy: Drama therapy encourages empathy, both for oneself and for others. When clients engage in role-play, they can gain a deeper understanding of their parts and the roles they play in their lives. This process of stepping into different shoes can help clients cultivate compassion for their Exiles, Managers, and Firefighters. By fostering empathy, drama therapists can help clients develop a more harmonious relationship among their internal parts.

6. Transforming Narratives: Many individuals struggle with negative self-narratives that stem from their internal conflicts. Drama therapists are skilled at helping clients re-author these narratives through storytelling and performance. By reframing their experiences and exploring alternative endings, clients can shift their perspective on their parts and their interactions. This transformative process aligns perfectly with the IFS model, which aims to promote a more balanced and compassionate internal system.

7. Integrating Mind and Body: Drama therapy emphasizes the connection between mind and body, which is crucial when working with IFS. Clients often hold trauma and emotions in their bodies, and drama therapy can facilitate the release of these feelings through movement and expression. By integrating somatic experiences with the IFS model, drama therapists can help clients access deeper levels of healing and understanding.

8. Skill and Comfort with Improvisation
   A large part of a drama therapist’s training is in improvisation. This increases their comfort with acting out of a theoretical model, incorporating its essence, but allowing for a more natural flow of dialogue.

Conclusion

The integration of drama therapy and the Internal Family Systems model creates a dynamic and effective therapeutic approach. Drama therapists bring a unique skill set to the table, utilizing creativity, embodiment, and empathetic communication to help clients navigate their internal worlds. By harnessing the power of performance and storytelling, they facilitate healing, promote self-discovery, and foster harmony among the different parts of the self.

For those seeking a deeper understanding of their emotional struggles, the combined expertise of drama therapists and the IFS model can provide a transformative therapeutic experience. Through this innovative approach, individuals can embark on a journey toward healing, empowerment, and a more integrated sense of self. Whether you’re an individual struggling with internal conflict or a therapist seeking to expand your toolkit, the synergy between drama therapy and IFS offers a promising pathway to emotional growth and resilience.

Hi! I’m Julie and I’m a Licensed Therapist in California who specializes in relationships, family therapy, and child/adolescent therapy.

Call today to schedule your free consultation!

925-289-8411