The Power of Silence in the Art of Parenting
By Julie Weigel, LMFT - Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist serving California through online therapy sessions
Before I became a therapist, I spent years studying the creative arts. While in art school, I learned about composition (the arrangement of visual elements to guide the viewer’s eye and communicate a message or feeling) and the powerful concept of negative space. This important principle—that empty space is not truly empty but full of meaning and impact—has proven remarkably similar to something I've discovered in my many years of work teaching parents how to be more effective communicators as they guide their children and teens toward adulthood.
Consider a classic example: a simple black circle on a white canvas. The circle draws your attention, but it's the surrounding white space that gives the circle its power, definition, and emotional impact. In Japanese aesthetics, this concept is called "ma"—the purposeful use of emptiness to create beauty and meaning.
"Ma" is far more than just empty space. In the west, we use the phrase "the pregnant pause” to refer to something similar. It represents a brief, deliberate silence that is loaded with unspoken meaning, emotion, or suspense. It is called pregnant because, as with pregnancy, the implied thoughts, emotion, or anticipation are growing toward the “birth” of something important. Though nothing is being outwardly said, the meaningful interval, the silence suggests content. In traditional Japanese gardens, ma is the carefully cultivated emptiness between stones that allows each element to breathe and be fully appreciated. In Japanese theater, ma is the pause between movements that creates dramatic tension and allows the audience to absorb the emotional weight of what they've witnessed. In music, ma is the rest between notes that gives rhythm its power and melody its meaning.
This concept extends beyond aesthetics into psychology and human experience. Art psychologists have found that negative space in visual compositions creates breathing room for the eye and mind, allowing viewers to process and appreciate the main subject more fully. The brain actually uses these empty spaces to organize information, create emphasis, and prevent sensory overload. Without adequate negative space, compositions feel cramped, overwhelming, and difficult to process—much like how children feel when bombarded with constant verbal input from well-meaning parents. Consider another phrase I learned in art school: “Less is more”.
Art psychologists have found that negative space in visual compositions creates breathing room for the eye and mind, allowing viewers to process and appreciate the main subject more fully.
Without adequate negative space, compositions feel cramped, overwhelming, and difficult to process—much like how children feel when bombarded with constant verbal input from well-meaning parents.
The psychological impact of negative space in art is profound. When artists use space skillfully, they create a sense of calm, focus, and clarity. When space is absent or poorly used, viewers tend to feel anxious, overwhelmed, or unable to focus on what's important. I teach this same principle to parents in my work as a parenting therapist in California. Just as negative space creates powerful compositions in art, silence creates powerful connections in parenting. Yet in our fast-paced, pressured, word-saturated world, we've forgotten that some of our most meaningful communication happens in the spaces between words. When parents reach out for help from a therapist who practices virtual parenting counseling in California, they allow disruption in the usual routine pattern of relating and trust the parenting therapist to guide them toward parenting with more intention. This entails slowing down, being clear about goals, and both learning and practicing parenting with intention.
The Problem with Parental Overtalking
In my over 25 years of experience as a family therapist in California, I've witnessed countless parents falling into the trap of believing that more words equal better communication or more listening. I see it repeatedly in my online sessions: parents who repeat their child's name multiple times to get attention, who fill every moment with instructions, reminders, and commentary, who seem afraid that silence means disconnection.
"Emma, Emma, EMMA! Are you listening to me? Emma, I asked you to put your shoes on. Emma, we need to leave. EMMA!"
Sound familiar? This repetitive name-calling not only loses its effectiveness quickly but can actually train children to tune out their parents' voices. When we overuse a child's name, it becomes background noise rather than a signal for attention. Research shows that children develop selective hearing not because they can't hear us, but because we've taught them that our first, second, and even third attempts to communicate aren't really urgent.
In my years of providing family and parenting therapy in Lafayette, CA, as well as family therapy throughout California, I've observed that parents who talk too much often see decreased compliance, increased resistance, and growing disconnection from their children. The irony is striking: the more we talk, the less our children listen. Less is more!
Understanding the Neuroscience of Attention
The human brain, whether in a child or adult, can only process so much auditory information at once. When we barrage our children with constant verbal input, we overwhelm their processing capacity. Nonverbal processes are crucial to parent–child communication, yet we often neglect these powerful channels in favor of more words.
Children's brains are constantly scanning for important information while filtering out what seems routine or repetitive. When we repeat their names excessively or fill silence with unnecessary chatter, we're actually training their brains to categorize our voice as background noise rather than important communication.
Think about this: when you're in a crowded restaurant, you can somehow focus on your dinner companion's voice while filtering out dozens of other conversations. This is called the "cocktail party effect," and children develop a similar ability to filter out parental voices that have become predictable or excessive.
The Art of Purposeful Silence
Just as negative space in art isn't empty but full of potential, silence in parenting isn't the absence of communication—it's a different form of presence. When I work with parents in my online therapy practice, I teach them to understand silence as an active choice, not a passive void.
Purposeful silence in parenting involves several key elements:
Presence Without Words: Your physical or energetic presence can communicate volumes. When you give a directive and then remain present without repeating yourself, you're demonstrating confidence in your authority, showing that you “mean business”, and demonstrating respect for your child's processing time.
Space for Processing: Children, like adults, need time to process information and make decisions. When we immediately fill silence with repetition or elaboration, we rob them of the opportunity to internalize and respond to our initial communication. I firmly believe that children want to please us and that we rob them of this opportunity, as well.
Nonverbal Communication: Positive nonverbal communication includes smiles, body language and tone of voice. It can improve relationships with children and guide children's behavior. Your posture, facial expressions, and energy often communicate more clearly than your words. Some of the positive nonverbal communication you convey is “I trust you”, “you are capable of pleasing me/being successful”, and “I love you”. Note that these are some phrases you can say aloud, as well. However choose your timing and attend to the spaces between the words.
The Power of Proximity and Presence
One of the most effective techniques I teach parents is the use of physical proximity combined with patient silence. Instead of calling across the room, move closer to your child. Instead of raising your voice, lower it. Surprise them with a whisper. Instead of repeating their name, make gentle physical contact or position yourself in their line of sight.
This approach works because it engages multiple sensory channels without overwhelming the child's processing capacity. When you move into their physical space mindfully and wait silently, you're using what researchers call "proxemics"—the use of space and distance in communication.
Children respond to proximity on a primal level. When a parent approaches calmly and waits patiently, the child's nervous system registers this as important information that requires attention. This is far more effective than shouting instructions from another room or repeating a child's name until it loses all meaning.
Gentle Attunement: Reading the Rhythm
In my drama therapy, music, and dance training, I learned about the importance of rhythm and timing in human interaction. Every person has their own internal rhythm for processing and responding, and children are no exception. When we honor this rhythm through attuned silence, we create space for natural cooperation to emerge.
Gentle attunement means paying attention to your child's state of being before communicating. Are they deeply focused on something? Are they transitioning between activities? Are they emotionally activated or calm? Are they in their “window of tolerance”? By pausing to assess their state and then matching your communication style to their current capacity, you increase the likelihood of successful connection.
This might look like:
Waiting for a natural pause in their activity before speaking
Making eye contact before giving instructions
Allowing several seconds of processing time after speaking
Staying present without repeating yourself immediately
The Negative Reinforcement of Parent’s Patient Presence
Another use for silence stems from a behavioral approach. Consider a parenting scenario involving a teen that wants nothing more than for the parent to leave them alone. For the parent who has experienced giving a directive to their teen, being sent away with “yeah yeah yeah” or “Five more minutes”, then having to return and give the directive again, your silent presence can serve as leverage through what's called negative reinforcement. This doesn't mean punishment—rather, it means that your continued presence creates a slight pressure that is relieved when your adolescent complies with your request. This approach is one example of a “self-limiting time out”. The negative reinforcer of the parental presence (a variation on a time out) goes away as soon as the task is completed.
When you give an instruction and then remain quietly present, you're communicating several important messages:
This request is important enough for me to wait for
I believe in your ability to follow through
I'm not easily dismissed or distracted
I respect your processing time while maintaining my expectation
This approach is dramatically different from repeating instructions multiple times, which actually teaches teens that they have several opportunities to ignore you before you really mean what you say.
Building Trust Through Respectful Silence
Children are incredibly sensitive to the emotional undertones of adult communication. When we fill silence with anxious chatter, repeat ourselves out of frustration, or escalate our volume to get attention, we're communicating our own dysregulation rather than calm authority. We teach by example.
Respectful silence, on the other hand, communicates trust in the relationship and confidence in the child's capacity to respond. It says, "I believe you heard me, I believe you're capable of following through, and I'm willing to wait for you to do so.” It also models self-respect.
This approach builds self-efficacy in children. When they experience their parent's patient confidence, they learn to trust their own ability to process information and make appropriate choices. Over time, this creates a positive cycle where children become more responsive because they feel respected and trusted rather than managed and controlled.
Practical Applications of Silent Communication
Morning Routines: Instead of verbal reminders about each step, create visual cues and use proximity. Move near your child, make eye contact, and wait. Your presence serves as a gentle reminder that it's time to focus on the morning routine.
Homework Time: Rather than hovering with verbal encouragement or reminders, provide silent, supportive presence. Your calm energy communicates availability for help while respecting their autonomy.
Bedtime Resistance: Use your physical presence and consistent, quiet energy to communicate that bedtime is non-negotiable. Your silent presence often speaks louder than repeated verbal reminders.
Sibling Conflicts: Sometimes the most powerful intervention is simply moving into the space where conflict is occurring and waiting silently. Your presence often shifts the energy without requiring words. It can be a visual and silent reminder of what you would say if you were speaking.
The Difference Between Productive and Harmful Silence
It's crucial to understand that the silence I'm advocating for is fundamentally different from punitive silence or the "silent treatment." Research from 2020 suggests that silence is a highly productive communication tool on its own. The trick is to use it appropriately.
Productive silence is:
Respectful and patient
Combined with warm presence
Purposeful and time-limited
Followed by reconnection
Harmful silence is:
Punitive and cold
Used to withdraw love or connection
Indefinite and emotionally distancing
Used as a power play
The intention behind the silence makes all the difference. When we use silence as a tool for patient presence and respectful communication, we strengthen our relationships. When we use silence as punishment or withdrawal, we damage trust and connection.
Overcoming the Urge to Fill Every Space
Many parents struggle with purposeful silence because they've been conditioned to believe that good parents are constantly engaged, teaching, and guiding through words. In our achievement-oriented culture, we often feel that silence means we're not doing our job.
In my practice of virtual parenting counseling in California, I help parents understand that strategic silence is actually an advanced parenting skill that requires tremendous presence and self-regulation. Parenting with intention. It takes more skill to remain calmly present while your child processes than it does to fill the space with more words. Less is more.
Parents often tell me, "But what if they don't respond? What if they ignore me?" This concern is understandable, but it often stems from a lack of confidence in the parent-child relationship rather than evidence that silence doesn't work. When parents learn to trust the process and give their children adequate processing time, they're often amazed at how responsive their children become.
When parents communicate out of underlying anxiety, their tone and delivery often betray uncertainty, which children instinctively detect and interpret as a lack of confidence in their authority. Anxious parental communication typically manifests through over-explaining, using tentative language, or immediately backing down when met with resistance. This nervous energy signals to children that the parent's directives are negotiable rather than firm expectations, encouraging boundary testing and defiant behavior. Children respond more readily to calm, clear, and concise communication that conveys quiet confidence, as this demonstrates the parent genuinely believes in their own decisions without needing to justify every instruction.
The Role of Emotional Regulation
Your ability to use silence effectively directly correlates with your own emotional regulation. When you're anxious, frustrated, or feeling rushed, you're more likely to fill silence with additional words, repetition, or escalation. When you're grounded, patient, and confident, you can allow for your child's processing time.
This is where my background in DBT, mindfulness, somatic experiencing, and drama therapy becomes particularly relevant. These approaches help parents develop greater awareness of their own nervous system state and learn to maintain calm presence even in challenging moments.
Engaging in parenting therapy in California can help parents learn and master practices that support their ability to remain regulated:
Breathing techniques that maintain calm presence
Body awareness that helps recognize rising anxiety
Grounding practices that support patient waiting
Mindfulness skills that prevent reactive communication
Creating Connection Through Shared Silence
Some of the most profound moments of connection between parents and children happen in silence. These might be moments of:
Sitting together watching a sunset
Walking side by side without feeling the need to talk
Working on separate activities in the same space
Sharing a car ride without constant conversation
These experiences of comfortable silence teach children that they don't need to perform or entertain to be worthy of your presence. They learn that your love and attention aren't contingent on constant interaction or achievement.
When Children Test the Silence
Initially, children who are accustomed to repeated instructions or their name being called multiple times might test your newfound use of silence. They might continue their activity longer than usual or seem to ignore your initial instruction. This is normal and expected.
During this adjustment period, it's important to:
Remain consistent with your new approach
Stay patient and avoid returning to old patterns
Trust that your child is learning to take your initial communications seriously
Use proximity and gentle physical cues if needed
Follow through calmly if compliance doesn't occur within a reasonable timeframe
Remember, you're not being permissive by using silence—you're being respectful while maintaining clear expectations.
The Long-Term Benefits
Parents who learn to use silence effectively often report remarkable changes in their family dynamics:
Increased Responsiveness: Children learn to pay attention to initial communications rather than waiting for escalation.
Improved Self-Regulation: Children develop better internal awareness when they're given space to process rather than being overwhelmed with verbal input.
Enhanced Respect: The mutual respect demonstrated through patient communication strengthens the parent-child relationship.
Reduced Family Stress: Families experience less shouting, repetition, and conflict when communication becomes more intentional and respectful.
Greater Cooperation: Children become more cooperative when they feel trusted and respected rather than managed and controlled.
Integration with Other Therapeutic Approaches
The principles of purposeful silence integrate beautifully with various therapeutic modalities that I use in my practice. Attachment therapy emphasizes the importance of attuned, responsive presence. Family systems theory recognizes how communication patterns affect the entire family dynamic. Through my creative arts training and drama therapy approach, I've learned that powerful moments often happen in the pauses between words, in the breath before action, in the space where potential lives. These same principles apply to family communication.
Moving Forward: Implementing Silent Presence
If you're ready to explore the power of silence in your parenting, start small:
Practice Proximity: Instead of calling from across the room, move closer to your child before speaking.
Reduce Name Repetition: Use your child's name once to get their attention, then proceed with your communication.
Allow Processing Time: After giving an instruction, count to ten before repeating or elaborating.
Stay Present: Resist the urge to walk away immediately after giving an instruction. Your presence reinforces the importance of your communication.
Practice Self-Regulation: Work on your own ability to remain calm and patient during these moments of waiting.
Reflect on the Acryonym “WAIT”: Why am I talking? (humorous, but important)
The Journey Toward Deeper Connection
Learning to use silence effectively in parenting is both an art and a science. It requires understanding child development, nervous system regulation, and communication theory, but it also requires the artist's sensitivity to timing, space, and presence, as well as self-awareness.
As someone who has spent 25 years working with children and families facing complex challenges, I can tell you that some of the most profound breakthroughs happen not in what we say, but in the “vacuum of silence” between the words. See my related blog on the use of reflective listening for more detailed instructions on how to use attuned listening by making a brief attuned statement, followed by silence as you "wait for it”, thereby allowing a "vacuum of silence" to invite further communication or none.: https://www.julieweigel.com/blog//blog/how-parents-response-shapes-child-emotional-development).
Through my work providing parenting therapy in Lafayette, Orinda, and Walnut Creek, as well as throughout California via online sessions, I've witnessed countless families transform their communication patterns by learning to value silence as much as speech, presence as much as words, and patience as much as action.
Your Personalized Path Forward
Every family's journey with communication is unique. What works for one child may need to be adapted for another. Factors like temperament, developmental stage, past experiences, and family dynamics all influence how silence and presence are received and interpreted.
This is why personalized support through parenting therapy in California can be so valuable. In our work together, we can explore how these principles apply specifically to your family's needs, your child's unique characteristics, and your own communication style.
If you're feeling overwhelmed by constant battles for your child's attention, if you find yourself repeating instructions multiple times, or if you're curious about how silence might strengthen your family's connection, I encourage you to reach out. Through online therapy sessions, we can explore how these concepts might transform your daily interactions and create the peaceful, connected family dynamic you're seeking.
Remember, learning to communicate through purposeful silence isn't about being permissive or passive—it's about being powerfully present in a way that honors both your authority as a parent and your child's capacity for growth and responsiveness. In the space between words, in the pause before reaction, in the breath before speaking—that's where real connection lives.
Julie Weigel, LMFT, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with 25 years of experience in children's mental health. She provides online therapy services throughout California, specializing in family therapy, parenting support, and child development. Her approach integrates attachment therapy, family systems theory, drama therapy, and other somatic and experiential approaches to help families create stronger, more connected relationships.
For more information about scheduling and services, please reach out for a consultation.
